couch time
by calicoskies4ever
Summary: last chapter is up!
1. help

Warnings: This is a slash fic and in later chapters, it will have sex scenes both between Lex and Clark, and a few rape scenes between Lionel and Lex. I do not own any of these people, and all the events in all the chapters are fictional This is a very dark, hard to read fic, you have been warned I'm not sure if I can give this a happy ending, at least not a completely happy one anyway.  
  
HELP! I need somebody, HELP! Not just anybody. You know I need someone, HELP! When I was younger, so much younger than today I never needed anybody's help in anyway but now I find Those days are gone and I'm not so self-assured. Now I find I've changed my mind I'd open up the door. ~~~The Beatles~~~  
  
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"Lex had another break down a few years ago. None of the doctors could figure out what had caused it. He just kept on crying, and screaming and wetting his pants. Finally they did a cat scan of his head. There was a brain tumor the size of a lemon. Inoperable, they said, there was no way any doctor could remove it and Lex could live. So instead they put him through a year of radical chemotherapy every week. On the next test, the tumor was so small that the neurosurgeons decided that they could operate safely. Lex didn't want the surgery, he told me the night before he went under the knife.  
  
"'I scared.' He said. The poor guy had reverted to a childlike stage his psychiatrist, a new one; we had to get a new one every other month because Lex has so many trust issues, said. Lex was a mess. He could barely function anymore. He couldn't work, but luckily Lionel hadn't frozen his trust fund. We had more money than we could ever spend, even with the medical bills. Lex could not dress, bathe, or feed himself any longer. He also needed to wear diapers.  
  
"When we were both in the house and nobody else was around, he didn't mind too much. I never made him wear clothes; he hated them, except when it was really cold. Then I put him sweats. When we had to leave to go to the doctors, or my parents, I had to put Lex in jeans or something else that was appropriate. He fought me every time, and if he even had half the strength he used to, I would have given up. But Lex couldn't hurt a fly, literally.  
  
"'It's okay baby,' I told him as we lay in the tiny hospital bed, Lex curled up in a ball between my knees and my chin. He was crying; I could feel the tears through my shirt, but that was nothing new. Lex cried a good 30-50% of the time. 'I'll be holding your hand the whole time, and we'll be able to talk to each other, okay?' Lex didn't respond. He pretty much stopped talking after that night. Once in a while he would make sobbing noises with his tears, and even more rarely he would scream in frustration when he soiled himself, even though the diapers made it easy to clean up.  
  
"I know it's selfish, but I missed talking to him, a lot. Lex was always so brilliant, so kind, so sweet, so . . . Goddamn it. Why did this have to happen to him? He was in so much pain most of the time, but he doesn't talk. I was able to talk the doctor into giving us one of those morphine pumps to take home so that Lex could be comfortable. It wasn't too hard, what with all the money we've got. That's the only thing I will ever thank Lionel for. I know how to break the computer so that I could give Lex enough morphine so that he'd never be in pain again. I could make the monsters go away for ever. I could . . . but I can't I'm not a murder. I'm not like that. I think Lionel would do something like that, and maybe the old Lex too, but not me. I guess I'm just a big chicken.  
  
"Nights were the worst for Lex. I think he was always afraid of the dark, but the first mental breakdown, the radical electroshock therapy, the pressure, the molestation during his early childhood by Lionel, the failed suicide attempt the year his mother died, the second breakdown which actually turned out to be a brain tumor, the chemo, the surgery, and everything else that's happened since, have made it so much worse.  
  
"If it wasn't for me, Lex wouldn't eat anymore. I wake up every morning and I ask him if he is hungry. Once in a great while, I get a shrug. Otherwise, all that happens is that Lex stares into space. During chemo the only thing he could keep down was chocolate, so I would go to the grocery store and buy entire cartons of the stuff. You know what I mean, those huge crates which have 1000 boxes of chocolate bars in them. Lex would have a snickers bar for breakfast, hot chocolate in a bowl, we called it chocolate soup when he was still talking, for lunch, and M&Ms for dinner. Sometimes he'd eat ice cream with hot fudge, and about a million other types of candy bars. It's amazing he never got sick of it. I think he must have, but anything else was rejected by his stomach and so it was all I could do to keep him from starving to death.  
  
"Eventually they put a catheter, that's a thing they use on people who go through as much chemo as Lex did because their veins don't work anymore. Basically it delivers the medicine, or in Lex's case, medicine and nutrition directly into the blood stream. Then he didn't have to eat anything else anymore. And it was a good thing too, because Lex basically started to refuse food. Sometimes I could get him to eat a little something but most days, weeks, maybe even months, forget it.  
  
"Anyway, back to the morphine. Once, when he was still capable of talking, Lex told me that he hated the way the drugs made him feel.  
  
''I almost think that the pain would be better, but I'm a wimp when it comes to stuff like that. I can't handle pain.'  
  
'What the hell are you talking about? You're the strongest person I know. Think of all the hardships you've been through in life. And you survived.'  
  
'Yeah, and I turned into this. I can't even control my bladder anymore, Clark. Fix the machine. Please? You don't have to do anything except program it so I can give myself enough morphine so that even you couldn't get me to the hospital fast enough.'  
  
'No.'  
  
'If you loved me you'd do it.'  
  
"I felt like punching him as hard as I could. I knew that could probably kill him, one because of how strong I was and two because of how weak he had gotten."  
  
'If you loved me, you wouldn't ask.'  
  
'Alright, Clark, you win. Aww, ow fuck.'  
  
'What's wrong?' "I ran over from where I had been sitting on a chair across the room, desperately trying to work on an article that needed to be finished, and getting nowhere. That was two weeks before I got fired from my job at the planet. Lex wasn't happy that it happened, but you could tell he was glad I was going to be around all of the time. 'Does it hurt Lex?' he nodded and so I fixed the machine so he could have more pain meds even though it was much too soon I could do it enough so he could be comfortable and not kill himself, I guess I'm just "lucky" in that way.  
  
"After the surgery, Lex didn't stop talking completely, he just got really quiet. He rarely ate, and spent most of the day, when he wasn't looking at me with those eyes, those soft, sad, terror filled eyes, sleeping. That was one nice thing about the morphine. If someone could sit next to him, and press the button whenever it was available, Lex could sleep for days on end. And a lot of the time he did.  
  
"When he wasn't sleeping, I'd read him warrior angel comics, and hold them so he could see the pictures. We watched movies and TV together, and sometimes I'd just lie in bed and hold him.  
  
"I kept sending him to a psychiatrist, because I didn't know what to say when he said stuff about his father fucking him as a five-year-old, or what happened to him at boarding school, or the way Lionel beat the shit out of him for attempting suicide, I never knew what to say. Sometimes Lex would trust the shrink long enough to stop telling the person lies, and start opening up to him or her.  
  
"But then his delusions would get in the way, and I'd have to fire them. Every single one of them felt bad for Lex, and they always told me so. They hoped I would find someone who could fix him, they said. But I knew they didn't care all that much about his well being. Lex had lost most of his cynicism along with the section of his brain they carved out, and it must have all gone to me. I started to believe that everyone who was 'helping' me and Lex were only after his money. Although, I was probably right to at least some degree.  
  
"That was eight years ago. Less than two year since I had finished college, ten months I had been fired from the paper, and six months since Lex had said anything that a person above the age of six was capable of saying. He could no longer write anything more complicated than his name, and he sometimes got that wrong too. When he did write it, the signature looked like that of a child just learning how to write, one having an extremely difficult time.  
  
"Lex knew that there was a lot wrong with him, and he would ask me about it. But I knew I couldn't explain it to him, since he wasn't capable of understanding. All I could do, was hold him, and kiss his head or cheeks, the only places he was capable of being touched without resorting to screaming and punching. Not that he could ever hurt me in his weakened physical condition, but I was worried that he would do harm to himself. After a while, I started to lie to him. I felt bad about it, but I knew it was better for him. I said he was sick but that he would get better very soon. I think in my heart I knew that wasn't true."  
  
A loud wind-up alarm clock on Dr. Susan Leach's desk let out a long whinny buzz. She turned it off, and looked from her notepad; she had used up eight pages of it today, on the young-man's first session, to the boy himself. Clark Kent had been recommended to her for grief counseling after his significant other, Alexander Joseph, Luthor had died of Cancer. Today he had come in with fresh tears on his cheeks, and his hands shaking. She had told to make him comfortable.  
  
Clark had spent twenty minutes trying. He gave up finally saying, 'fuck it.' And he lay down on the sofa. He spent the rest of the session there, staring up at the sealing, occasionally looking at Susan to see if she was paying attention to him. Clark got chocked up several times during his session, and at one point had vomited into a waist basket near him. Another thing she noticed was the way Clark referred to Lex in the present tense even though he has been dead for almost a year.  
  
Susan wanted very much to help the young man. She knew, however, that he was for the most part beyond help. There were some psychiatric drugs that would take his mind off things, level out his emotions, and more therapy would eventually help him to realize that Lex Luthor's death had not been his fault. Also, more sessions would help him understand that he had done more than anybody else ever would have. He must have amazing patience, she thought to herself.  
  
"Can I leave now?" Clark asked He stood up and walked towards the door.  
  
"I'm going to give you a prescription for Paxill. It's an antidepressant. Unlike most drugs of its type, though, it starts working right away. Most antidepressants take almost two months to completely take effect, and the first two weeks of treatment under them is agony. I'm going to write you a script for thirty milligram tablets. Take one a day, about an hour before you go to bed. I'm going to schedule for an appointment a week from today at the same time is that okay?" Clark nodded. He was silent for a moment, and then opened his mouth. It took almost ten minutes to get out the next sentence.  
  
"I don't sleep much."  
  
"These will help you with that too."  
  
"Whatever," Clark took the script from the woman, and walked out of the office. He took the elevator to the bottom floor, and walked out of the building. Once outside he tossed the sheet of paper into a trashcan. He walked to the bus stop, road it to the most rural part of Metropolis he could find, and got off. After checking to see that nobody was around, he ran home, to Smallville at almost one hundred miles an hour. He knocked on the door of the decrepit looking farm house. Martha Kent answered. She barely recognized the man who was standing on her doorstep, but knew immediately that he was her son.  
  
She enveloped him in a hug, and held him for what seemed like a long time to both of them. When Jonathan came into the house later that evening, he took one look at his son, and mumbled something. Clark who was sitting at the table with his head buried in his arms, looked up with tear stained cheeks.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I said, I told you not to get involved with Lex Luthor, when you were fourteen, but you didn't listen, did you." Clark ran towards his father at full speed and was barely able to stop himself before causing serious damage. Clark's body stopped inches away from Jonathan's, any closer and the older man surely would have died. His father stared at him for a minute and said nothing. Then the boy turned around and started walking to his room. Once he was out of what Martha considered to be ear short, she slapped her husband on the shoulder.  
  
"How could you say that to him? Can't you see how much pain he is in?"  
  
"And he wouldn't be, if he had just stayed away from Lex."  
  
"Did you ever do anything your father told you to do when you were fourteen?" The boy's father shook his head, "Eighteen?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then why should Clark be any different? He's our son, even if neither of us have any biological ties to him."  
  
"I'll go up and apologize."  
  
"Good." Martha sighed. "He's seeing a therapist in Metropolis, but don't let him find out you know."  
  
"I hope she can help him."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"I love him so much, Martha. I never wanted him to get hurt."  
  
"I know; I feel the same way. But he did, and now all we can do is be there for him." "Do you think that's enough?'  
  
"I don't know. But, it will have to be, for now."  
  
Yeah, this is so not finished, and I have a lot of free time right now so I will probably have another chapter up for you very soon. 


	2. Leave me alone

"My dad came into my room that night and we talked. There wasn't too much I felt like saying, 'cause I had just been here and then I had spent a lot of time talking to my mom. And then, my dad said that stuff about Lex. Lex is such a good guy. I love him. He left all the money he had to me, you know? He wanted me to be comfortable."  
  
"Last time you told me that Lex had what they thought was a mental break down, twice, right?" Clark nodded. "Can you talk about that?"  
  
"The first time was after he found out that Lionel, that's Lex's dad, you know? His parents were murdered, well their building caught on fire and Lex was pretty sure that Lionel and his friend, Morgan Edge had something to do with it. Lex's dad found out and had him drugged so it would look like he was crazy. Lex wound up in an asylum and they did radical electroshock therapy on him. Lex had all sorts of problems right off from the start, but he wouldn't admit to it. He would forget little things, like the names of people or what he was talking about or. . . I dunno it was really hard 'cause Lex had always been so smart and then he wasn't.  
  
"Lex's dad couldn't have been happier. And neither could my dad. You see, I had this secret back when I was a teenager and Lex sort of found out about it. And um that was like right before he went "crazy" and so when my dad found out that Lex didn't remember my secret he was like ecstatic and I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt my father because Lex was in so much pain and he was so scared and there was nothing I could do to help him.  
  
"About a year later, right before I started college, Lex started acting strange again. It was easier for me to notice, because I moved in with Lex right after my eighteenth birthday. My mom and dad didn't like that, but I was an adult and what could they do? Lex would come home from work at like the same time I was getting off of school. I stopped seeing my friends and started to spend all my time with him. Lionel was, as usual, treating Lex like crap, and he couldn't handle it.  
  
"Lex's dad made him stop working a Luthor corps after Lex beat up this guy who left a can of Rogaine on his desk. It was supposed to be a joke but neither of us thought it was funny. That wasn't the only mistake Lex had made recently, but you could say it was the straw that broke the camel's back or whatever. Lex went off to Metropolis with me while I went to college. When he turned 25 he got all he money in his trust fund, it was his then, and so he didn't have to 'ask daddy' anymore if he needed something. Not that he ever did before. It just made things easier, especially when Lex got sick.  
  
"I made him go see a shrink and the first thing the guy did, the first thing, after we talked about what had been happening, was get x-rays or maybe it was a cat scan, some kind of picture, of Lex's brain. That was when they told us he had a tumor and they couldn't be sure if it was cancer since it was so big and so deep. They were gonna do chemo though, they said, and I after that I took Lex home. We made an appointment for his first treatment at the house Lex and I were staying in.  
  
"Lex pulled me into the bedroom right when we got home and pushed me on to the bed. He started to rip off my clothes and. . . ." Clark closed his eyes. In his mind he saw Lex's body standing over him. Lex trying his hardest not to cry, but so damn close. Clark reached up and touched his lover's face.  
  
'Stop it, Clark. I'm the one who's in charge here, right now you do what I tell you when I tell you and. . . ." Then Lex fell to his knees and started to sob and shake uncontrollably. Clark wrapped the older man in his arms. 'God, I sounded so much like my father right there. I'm so scared, man. I can't believe it. I'm like 25-years-old and I have fucking cancer. '  
  
'I know, Lex. But hey, at least we know what's going on now, right?' He kissed the bald man's head. Lex Luthor nodded.  
  
'Do you think I had it before? I bet I was never crazy. My dad was drugging me, but I probably had a tumor back then too, right? I mean it was only a year ago and the doctor said it was really big, right? Stuff like that doesn't just pop up over night does it?"  
  
'I don't know, Lex. I don't know all that much about that.' Clark was glad he wasn't telling this part to his therapist. He had told Lex his secret, really told him, and had shown him all the things he could do, once Lex was out of the asylum and they were moved in and everything. Lex had kissed Clark when he told him, and said that he was glad Clark trusted him enough to tell him the truth.  
  
'Clark? I love you.'  
  
'I love you too, Lex.' The two men held each other.  
  
"The chemo was torture for Lex. He just kept on getting sicker and sicker. He wasn't able to think right or anything like that. He was in pain all the time and I couldn't do anything to help him. We pretty much had to stop making love because he always got hurt." Clark started to sob. The doctor handed him a Kleenex, but Clark refused, wiping on his shirt sleeve.  
  
"Did either you or Mr. Luthor ever talk to anyone?" Susan asked him.  
  
"Lex. Don't ever call him Mr. Luthor, that's his dad. That's Lionel. Yeah, Lex kept on seeing psychiatrist try and deal with some of the pain and the anger and everything. I'd usually come with and hold his hand. The chemo made him act different too. One of the therapist's he saw said he was regressing to a child like stage. I guess that's not surprising since Lex didn't have too much of a childhood.  
  
"He taught himself to read when he was three, you know? And by the time he was five he was reading books like War of the Worlds, and I don't mean some little kid's copy either, he was reading the real book. Lex's IQ was huge, and the tumor made things really bad. He couldn't do work anymore, but it didn't mater, since he had been fired." "Did he tell you that he read War of the Worlds at the age of five?" Clark nodded. "Was he bragging?" The boy shook his head. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me, Clark. Do you want me to help you?"  
  
"Lex was five when he read WOTW the first time. He was really into it and so he would carry it around in the pocket of his pants. He even brought it to dinner even though he knew better tan to read at his table. He had it in his pocket and one night his dad got a business call during the meal. . ."  
  
'My father was gone a lot longer than usual. I had enough time to eat my whole dinner, but I wasn't allowed to leave until he excused me. I took the book out and hid it under the table and started to read. My mom sort of tussled my hair; this is before the meteor shower so I still had hair, and asthma, unfortunately and fortunately. My mom was always really nice to me, Clark. It almost killed me when she died, literally. But that's a story for another night that is if you ever wanna talk to me after hearing this story.' Clark puts his arms around Lex's neck and kisses him.  
  
'Oh, Lex. I love you so much. No mater what you say, I love you. Nothing is gonna change that. If I didn't leave you when everyone thought you were crazy, there is not one thing in the world that could make me leave you now.'  
  
'Thanks, Clark. Even though I'm not so sure about that. So, um anyway. My mom says something like 'don't let your father catch you with that.' And it just turns out that my dad had walked in, she didn't know and I sure as hell didn't know. He pulls my chair out so fast that I fall to the ground and so does the book, and mind you I had gotten this book from the library, so you know it was like not even my book. 'Don't let me catch him with what?' he shouted.'  
  
'Lex, are you gonna be okay?' Lex Luthor shakes his head.  
  
'What happened?'  
  
'Have you ever read the book or seen the movie Matilda?' Clark nods. 'He tore the book up and said he didn't care that it wasn't ours. I knew better than to read at the table. You'd think he'd be proud of me. You know? I mean, there I was reading a book that most adults have trouble with and I was only FIVE.' Lex sobbed. 'He back handed me, and my and sent me to my room, but that wasn't the worst of it. Later he . . . oh man I can't go on.' Clark wraps his arms around the older man. He pulls Lex's head to his chest and they start to rock back and forth together.  
  
"Lex's dad was an asshole," Clark looked up at Dr. Leach. "Even when Lex was little he knew that he wasn't wanted, at least not from his father. Lionel thought of Lex as this colossal screw up and. . . ."  
  
"Listen, Clark, I understand that you miss Lex a lot, and that's understandable."  
  
Don't say it; please God no, anything but that, Clark thought to himself.  
  
"But I want you to talk to me about your family, tell me more about yourself. Why you think you're here, that sort of thing."  
  
"I'm here because I went to a bar and drank a bottle of twenty-four year old scotch and then got into a car. This jackass cop was waiting for me; the bartender must have called him or something."  
  
"You could have hurt someone if you got in that car, and drove off." Clark stopped listening. He realized this must have been why Lex had to keep changing psychiatrists. He was talking to them about me, Clark closed his eyes. And they must have asked him too many questions, or maybe they got close or. . .  
  
"You know what, you're right. I'm sorry."  
  
"If you're uncomfortable talking about your parents. . ."  
  
"My parents, the Kent's anyway, they're great. They adopted me after the meteor shower killed my parents," Clark lied but he didn't think he was stretching the truth too far. If it hadn't been for the planet Krypton blowing up then his parents would still be alive. And the meteor shower never would have happened.  
  
"What happened between Lex and his father that night?" Clark couldn't help but sob. It had taken him three weeks to get Lex to confess to what his father had done, and almost a year to convince him that he hadn't deserved it. Now this stupid woman was expecting him to go on and tell it all in one nice flowing story. Not that anything involving Lex really flowed.  
  
"'Lex, your dad's a total creep, but whatever he did to you, it wasn't your fault. There is no way you could have done anything that deserved whatever punishment he gave you.'  
  
'He came into my room that night, when I was supposed to be asleep. But I was too scared and so I stayed up reading comic books under the blanket with a flashlight. I had pretty good hearing in those days so I figured if my dad was coming I'd know it. Well I should have known that my dad knew the house way better than I did and he could get into my room without me noticing.'  
  
'Lex? Son, are you awake? I want to talk to you.'  
  
Shit the little boy thinks, knowing if he is caught with the comic he will be in trouble. Sometimes little Alexander is sure his father can read his mind. When he has little slips and he thinks about something he knows he shouldn't, Lionel always seems to find out. Lex is always punished. Sometimes, for things that aren't even his fault.  
  
'Yeah, dad?' Lex hides the comic book and flashlight under his pillow. Lionel sits on the edge of the bed. 'Is something wrong?'  
  
'Well, I think you and I need to talk about what happened tonight. I need to talk to you about a lot of things.' Lionel sits down next to his son and pulls the covers back. He is speaking slowly, trying to avoid big words. If little Alexander were to look at him, which he can't out of fear, he would notice that his usually meticulous father is staggering, tie undone and his hair a mess. If Lex were older he'd recognize this as drunken behavior. Not that it matters. This is something the little boy will become all too familiar with over his own life time.  
  
'Okay dad, it's just that it's really late and I'm a little tired. Maybe I should go to bed and we could talk in the,' Lionel Luthor kisses his son. This comes as a huge shock to Lex, since Lionel has never showed him any type of physical love before. But there is something wrong with this kiss. Lillian has kissed her son many times, softly on the cheek before bed, on his forehead if he was sick with fever. Once or twice her soft lips have even touched his own, but never for more then a second, and never like this.  
  
Lionel is kissing his son roughly. He pushes the boy's head down into the pillow. Lex struggles for air, trying desperately to suck down air. His chest tightens. Later the boy will describe the feeling of an asthma attack to one Clark Kent, the only member of the same sex he will ever truly love. Lex and Clark agree that their weakest moments are almost identical.  
  
'I guess it's not that big of a shock,' Clark confesses. 'We have so much in common anyway.'  
  
'Yeah, so there I was like dying in bed and all my father could care about was getting my pajamas off. I-he ripped them from my body it wasn't even like he even cared about me or anything. I think he was just drunk and I had been reading at the table and. . .'  
  
'No!' Clark realized he was terrifying Lex, but he knew he had to convince Luthor that it wasn't his fault. 'What you did, Lex, he should have been proud of that. He should have been so happy that his son was reading at five and that he was reading such a difficult book. I had to read that for one of my English classes at Met U and I failed the paper I wrote on it.'  
  
'It's not an easy book,' Lex admitted, but Clark knew he was lying. Until recently anyone who even met Lex for a short amount of time would know how smart he was; now everything was changing. Lex's temper had shortened, his father was treating him like a child, the doctors and nurses treated him like a child, his mind wouldn't allow him to do the things he wanted to do, why shouldn't Lex get angry?  
  
'Don't patronize me, Lex. Besides, we're talking about you.'  
  
'We're talking about the first time my father ever violently raped me, can you think of any reason why I wouldn't want to avoid the subject?' After a minute of silence, Lex continued his story. He told Clark how Lionel had spoken to Lex the entire time, telling his son that if he would only behave like a Luthor was supposed to, then none of this would be necessary.  
  
Clark didn't think it would have made any difference how Lex behaved, but, at the age of five, most kids tend to believe what their parents tell them. And Lex had always wanted to impress his father, be the son he actually wanted. Many times, when Clark listened to the stories of Lex's abuse he wondered how perfect a child would have to have been that Lionel would accept him or her.  
  
'Did you ever tell anyone?' Lex looked up at his lover with tear stained eyes and cheeks, but he looked angry.  
  
'Oh yeah, 'cause everyone in the world is going to listen to some punk assed little rich snob like me over my father. Clark, even if we were just a normal family and it was his word against mine, nobody would have believed me.'  
  
'If I told the police that my dad did that kind of thing to me, they'd be all over it. And maybe they wouldn't have found anything, but they would have checked.'  
  
'The never ending privileges of being Lionel Luthor's son,' Lex laughed sarcastically. Clark knew all of Lex's moods, when he got scared, he got sarcastic.  
  
'Oh, Lex. How often did he . . .?'  
  
'Anytime he wanted to. He started off using it as punishment and stuff but sometimes he'd come and do it for no reason. But you can bet there was always a good excuse, at least in Dad's mind.'  
  
'Your mother would have believed you if you told her.'  
  
'Yeah, but by the time I figured that out it was too late. Julian was dead, and she was sick, and my father told me. When she got sick he said that I wasn't allowed to bother her with anything until she got better. He told me that if I upset her or did anything that made her . . . well you know.'  
  
'Baby,' Clark kisses the top of Lex's head. Lex moans. 'Did I hurt you? What did I do?' Clark lets go of his lover, causing more pain than the kiss, had that even been what caused Lex to cry out in pain in the first place.  
  
'No, Clark. It was from the tumor. Oh God. Shit man. Fuck. Help me, God.' Clark runs to the bathroom and gets a glass of water. He hands the glass along with two huge pills to Luthor. Lex dry swallows both of them. Within twenty minutes he is asleep. Clark looks down at the sleeping man.  
  
'I love you so much, Lex. I wish I could make the pain just go away. Why can't I save you from this?'  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Leach asked. Clark jumped in shock.  
  
"I um. You see, the day Lex and I met, he almost ran me over with his car." Clark proceeded to tell Dr. Leach the safe story of Lex Luthor and Clark Kent's first meeting. He also mentioned that there were a few more instances in Smallville, where Clark had saved Lex from himself and from things that were fairly dangerous to anyone but Clark. He was extremely careful though, to not let her get too suspicious of him. He didn't think she was close to guessing his secret.  
  
If only it hadn't been for that stupid cop and the bar tender. I could have driven home and not hurt anybody. I was fine. Why the hell do I have to this?  
  
"Mr. Kent, Clark. I need to ask you one last question. You and Lex met when you were still very young. . ."  
  
"Why does everyone think that Lex is a bad guy? He's my best friend, he loves me. Lex would never ever hurt me."  
  
"Clark, Lex is dead."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I'm not so sure you do. You keep referring to him as if he were alive."  
  
"Doctor, have you ever lost anybody that you really loved?"  
  
"My grandfather died when I was six."  
  
"But nothing recently? I didn't think so. Lex and I spent a lot of time together. We had planned to spend the rest of our lives together. For Lex, that just turned out to be way to fucking short. But I really miss him, and it's just too hard to say was and shit like that."  
  
"I'm sorry." Leach put her arm around the boys shoulder. He shrugged it off, knowing he had to be very careful. As a teenager, Clark had a much more difficult time controlling his powers.  
  
"Don't touch me!" He bit his lip, trying desperately not to cry.  
  
"I'm sorry. If you're uncomfortable with me, I can recommend another therapist."  
  
"No, I'll be fine. Look, I don't have to keep coming back, do i? Can't I just let go of Lex in my own way?"  
  
"Clark, is it okay if I call you Clark? Your breathalyzer test came up three times the legal limit."  
  
"Yeah but I could walk a straight line backwards while saying the alphabet and hopping on one foot. I wasn't dangerous."  
  
"I'm afraid that the most important test is the amount of alcohol in your blood, or in your case blood in your alcohol." Clark suppressed a sob. That was a Lex type joke. Why did she have to do that?  
  
"I just miss him so much," He sniffed.  
  
"I know," Leach patted him on the back. "But things are going to get better. I promise; time heals all wounds."  
  
"Maybe I don't want that." Clark said to himself, although Dr. Leach was pretty sure she had actually heard it, as he walked out the door. 


	3. try not to cry

Sometimes I'm right Sometimes I'm wrong How can I help it If I don't know the song? I want to enjoy Being alive Don't want to leave Before I arrive I try, try, try Try not to cry, cry, cry Cry over you Over you---Paul McCartney  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------- Clark walked into the Talon and sat down at a booth near the back. He looked around, sighing deeply, remembering all the hours he used to spend in this place. Being Friday morning, the coffee shop was all but dead. Clark closed his eyes and leaned back against his table. Lana Lang walked over to him.  
  
"Clark? I can't believe it. It's been, a long time. Where have you been?" She kept asking questions, but Clark wasn't entirely sure he could answer them. It had only been a few hours since Lex had passed away. After the death of his lover, Clark Kent had decided to move back home, to Smallville, there were still a million things to be done in the next few days, but Clark had needed a break.  
  
"Lex and I moved to Metropolis." He said in a voice so quiet, Lana had to strain in order to hear it.  
  
"And . . .? I mean, I heard that Lex was doing better, but there hasn't been anything on the news for a while, and well-"she paused. "Nobody around here has really heard from either of you in a long time."  
  
"Lex's dad fired him, but that was years ago. Lionel thought Lex was loosing his mind or something, and then there was this whole thing with the guy at the shit factory." Lana grimaced. Clark had picked up on all most all of Lex's bad habits; his empathy seemed to be the only thing he had left.  
  
"What happened?" She put her hand on Clark's shoulder, and rubbed gently.  
  
"When we were still staying here and Lex was still managing the fertilizer factory, he um. Someone put a can of Rogaine on his desk, like as a joke or something. And Lex had this security camera in his office and so he knew who had done it. And so Lex calls the guy into his office and. . . ." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
'Mr. Swanson, good afternoon.' Lex says to the man who is sweating, and sitting across from him. Lex has the hair growth can on his desk. Mr. Swanson tries to look casual, and tries to cover the stench of his BO. 'I'm having a few problems with security. Would you mind helping me out?'  
  
'Wh-what's going on?' Swanson hiccupped. Lex giggled. He loved to watch people squirm. Luckily, he was able to cover the smile.  
  
'Someone broke into my office last night and put this can of hair re-growth formula on my desk. Funny joke, hu?" Mr. Swanson's knee started to jiggle and shake. 'The only problem is that the same person stole a very expensive statue from one of my bookshelves.'  
  
'They did?' Swanson's pits dampened even more. 'So um what do you think that I um should do about this or um well why did you, um?' 'You want to know why I called you in here.' Lex's grin widened. 'I want you to do some investigating for me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
"Did the guy ever tell Lex what he did?" Clark shook his head.  
  
"He lied, blamed someone else. Lex showed this Swanson guy the video of him putting the can of Rogaine on his desk and. And he said that there was never any statue or anything. Then Lex um, I don't know what happened. I wasn't there, but he snapped and he started beating up on this guy."  
  
"Wow," Lana muttered. "I never thought he could do something like that," she sat down next to Clark, placing her hand on his knee. Any other day in his life, Clark would have loved this gesture. He knew, coming from Lana, it probably meant nothing, but he couldn't help but wonder. Not that it mattered; his heart was broken in so many places he didn't think that he'd ever love again.  
  
"I don't think he meant it. He was only like acting out because of the tumor. Well, anyway, Lionel finds out about the whole thing and told Lex that he needed to take some time off. And Lex fought the whole thing, but Lionel threatened to fire him, so he um . . . he decided to just go along with it."  
  
"I'm guessing that didn't turn out to be such a good idea?"  
  
"When things started getting worse for Lex, and believe me he was the first one to notice. He was so smart and he had this breath memory and he was so good with people. Then right out of the blue, although he had probably known for a long time, Lex starts having all these problems. He was forgetting things, loosing his temper, and he started too. . ."  
  
"What?"  
  
"He started to have accidents," Clark sobbed. "He lost a lot of the control of his bladder. The other stuff he could lie about, pretend it was just jokes or something, but that was the real end. I knew something was wrong, he had known for a long time, but that was when he knew he couldn't hide it from me anymore."  
  
"The brain tumor?" Clark nodded.  
  
"We went to a-to the best doctors in Metropolis, you know? That was just the sort of thing that Lex and his family did, one of the few things Lex did by the Luthor book. At first we thought he might be having another breakdown or something, so we went to this shrink. He and I sort of went together. Sometimes I would talk, if Lex wasn't feeling comfortable, or if he had a headache. We should have known the headaches meant something else, but . . . you know."  
  
"What happened next?" "We went to this neurologist, and um the doctor does one fucking brain scan to find out that he had this huge tumor. He . . . the doctor said that we should have come in earlier or something. I dunno. Lex told me he had his suspicions all along, but that he didn't want to scare me."  
  
"You must have been really mad at him." Lana squeezed his shoulder. Clark looked down into his coffee. "Your old favorite; I hope it's still okay."  
  
"Yeah," Clark nodded taking a long swig. "Yeah. I wanted to beat Lex up. It wasn't really fair, him lying to me like that. But he was so sick, and in so much pain. When we got home that night, he started to cry. I mean, can you believe it, Lex Luthor crying? It was freaky, but I learned how to help him out. All he really needed was support. The kind of shit his dad never gave him." Clark noticed Lana had shivered. "I'm sorry. I know how you feel about that."  
  
"Clark, what happened?"  
  
"We did something like ten years of psychiatrists, and tests, and chemo, and surgery, and pain meds, and diapers and," Clark leaned his head into Lana's shoulder. He began to sob. Lana Lang, rubbed her hand up and down Clark's back. "And then this morning he . . . aw man, what am I gonna do without him?"  
  
"Oh, Clark." The young man looked up, his face bright red and dripping with tears. Clark bit down on his lip and sucked in his breath. Lana pressed his head towards her own, and kissed him. Clark kissed back, opening his mouth and accepting Lana's tongue into his mouth. After all the years of dreaming, Clark Kent was finally getting to live out his wildest dreams.  
  
Two hours later, Clark woke up on a small uncomfortable sofa in the back room of the Talon. Nobody would have known that either he or Lana were there, even Clark couldn't remember for sure. Lana walked out of the bathroom, drying herself off with a towel.  
  
"You got a shower back there?" She nodded. Clark ran into the bathroom and turned the water on as hot as it went. He climbed inside and stood under the scalding stream.  
  
What did I just do? He asked himself. My God, what have I done? Lana knocked on the door. Clark covered himself with the biggest towel he could find. He opened the door and looked around.  
  
"Is everything okay, Clark?" He shook his head. "I'm sorry about before. I really shouldn't have done that." Clark made a half laughing, half spitting noise.  
  
"Like I have no self control what-so-ever," he smiled sarcastically. "I've wanted to do that since I was like 12."  
  
"Clark, you're in shock. I, I just feel like I took advantage of your situation."  
  
"Maybe I wanted you to," Clark shrugged. "Look, I enjoyed that, and I'm not gonna stop being friends with you just because we slept together once."  
  
"It was a mistake, Clark."  
  
"Yeah, but it the kind of mistake I always wanted to make." They hugged. "I have to go home. My parents don't even know that I'm here. I haven't- Lex and I didn't leave Metropolis at all in the past six months. I've called them, a lot, but you were the first person I told. . ."  
  
"When did it happen?"  
  
"Lex died this morning. I was holding him, and talking to him the whole time. I don't think he really knew what was happening anymore. Luckily, they were giving him so much stuff for pain that all he could do anymore was sleep."  
  
"Oh," Lana hugged Clark once again. This time he pulled away. "Sorry," she looked at the ground. Clark was acting as if nothing had happened, but she knew things would never be the same between them.  
  
"This morning was kinda different, though. He was lying in bed with me and he looked up into my eyes and he said. . ."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- 'Clark, I want you to promise me something.' Lex's eyes are completely glazed over. Clark remembers the videos they used to watch in high school health class, about drug addicts. Lex looked like someone who had been using heroin for years. But, if you thought about it, he really had.  
  
Luthor's face was contorted in agony. He grimaced and turned his head to the ground. There was sweat pooling in the on the back of his neck. Lex and Clark was both nude; lately Lex's fever had been a constant 101 degrees or more, he was always sweating, and always complaining that it was too cold.  
  
Clark knew there was nothing he could do to keep the older man comfortable, and he hated that. All his powers, and there was nothing he could do.  
  
'I'm not taking over your position at Luthorcorps.' Clark joked; he'd discovered that through everything Lex had maintained his sense of humor. Lex smirked.  
  
'What position, my father fired me, remember?'  
  
'You did assault an employ.'  
  
'Who played a sick joke on me, and then blamed it on somebody else to cover his own ass. The only thing that really got hurt in the whole thing was my pride. Besides, you're not exactly cut out for business. And my dad hates you.'  
  
'Hates me?'  
  
'In his mind, you're the reason that everything went to hell. He figured that if I hadn't been in such a confusing relationship, then I wouldn't have had my 'second breakdown,' and all that crap.'  
  
'You didn't have a second breakdown; you didn't even have a first one. Your dad was having you drugged.'  
  
'I know,' Lex closed his eyes. 'How long before I can have more pain stuff?' Clark tapped a few dozen buttons at super speed.  
  
'How bad is it, Lex?'  
  
'You know how in the hospital they asked me to rate my pain from 0-10.' Clark nodded. 'Right now I'm at a fifteen.' Clark gave Lex a double dose of morphine, even though Lex's last shot had been less than an hour before.  
  
'There you go, baby.' Clark kissed Lex's bald head.  
  
'At least I'm lucky in that way. You can always give me all the pain meds I'll ever need.' Lex giggled. He closed his eyes and yawned.  
  
'Sleepy?'  
  
'Always, at least, well I mean, you know what I mean? FUCK I hate this. I can't get my fucking thoughts out of my head. Everything I say sounds idiotic.'  
  
'Everything you have ever said to me, sounds brilliant, Lex.'  
  
'Clark, I love you so much and I always, always, always want you to be happy.'  
  
'Don't do this, Lex. Please?'  
  
'Clark, this is it, I can feel it. And I think you can to.'  
  
'There has to be something I can do. I have to be able to stop this. I saved your life so many times. I didn't even get a scratch on me when you hit me with the Porsche at sixty miles an hour. And there isn't one single fucking thing I can do for you.'  
  
'Clark. I know you don't want to hear this,' Lex kissed Clark's temple, inhaling the sweet scent of his shampoo. He never had asked Clark what brand he used. Since Lex didn't have a single hair follicle on his whole body, he was able to use the same body wash for everything. However, recently he'd be having trouble with his scalp. It was much more sensitive to cleaning, and his eyes stung from anything stronger than water getting in them.  
  
Clark's solution had been baths. Lex loved them. First off, they always wound up making love, and more importantly, Clark would be able to get Lex's scalp clean without burning his eyes or the sensitive skin on top of his head.  
  
'Lex, I don't ever wanna be away from you.'  
  
'Clark, I'm going to be dead within the next month, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.' Clark whimpered.  
  
'Stop.'  
  
'I know baby, I know. I remember when I found out my mom was dying. I climbed into the bed with her and refused to get out, even after she had passed away. My dad wasn't even living in the same wing of the mansion as us. When,' Lex snuggled closer to his lover.  
  
'The morning she died, she had been holding me and kissing me and then it just stopped. And then she um-she sort of-well my dad came in to check on her, he did that every once in a while. He'd come poke his head in the room once a week because he thought that meant he loved her. I knew she was gone, and I didn't say anything. But my dad knew, he wasn't stupid or anything. He saw that I was crying and snuggled to my mom and he picked me up with his both hands and slammed me against the wall.'  
  
'Oh, Lex. I'm so sorry baby.'  
  
'He said that I was a man and that I needed to suck it up. He kicked me in the balls and said that I needed to get out of there so he could make the arrangements and all that crap. I ran out of the room and started packing to run away. But I knew she wouldn't want that. She would have wanted me to stay and try and work things out with him. Things between my father and I only lasted as long as they did because I wanted to make her happy.'  
  
'You aren't gonna make me try and get along with your dad are you?'  
  
'You get along with both your parents, Clark, and that's very lucky. If my dad had ever loved me, and we still got along then I would want you to try. But no, I want you to stay as far away from him as possible.'  
  
'Then what do you want?'  
  
'Clark, I want you to find another person to love.' 


	4. somedays

"Clark?" Lana put her hand onto the boy's leg. She pulled back as he started to shake. "Sorry. I guess i wasn't thinking. So Lex is really gone, hu?" When he did not respond, she kissed the top of his head the way Nell used to do for her when she was a small child. "I'm so sorry."  
  
"I just don't know what to do." Clark started to bite his nails.  
  
"I know. I felt the same way when Whitney and I broke up." Clark shut his eyes tightly. The last the thing he wanted was for her to compare her stupid loss of that stupid jock that she didn't even care that much about to him and Lex. She had no idea what Clark had been too, nobody did.  
  
"Look, I'm gonna go talk to my parents. I'm sorry I wasted your time, I just wanted to see you again." Clark's stomach was hurting. Lex had told him to move on dozens of times, but it had been too soon. And it had been too easy with Lana. He decided it just didn't mean anything to him.  
  
"Clark, I know you're hurting, but please don't disappear. Okay?" Clark shrugged and walked out the door.  
  
"Clark, is that you?" Martha Kent was in the kitchen making dinner for four. Because Clark had begged that the news not be released for 24 hours. "Lex, I made your favorite." She heard a soft sobbing sound, the kind Clark used to make after he woke up from nightmares.  
  
"Mom. . ." She wrapped her arms around her son. "It's not fair. I mean. I knew this was going to happen. But." Clark fell to his knees sobbing. When Jonathan came in, he saw his son on the floor and came to the obvious conclusion.  
  
"Oh, Son. I'm so sorry." Clark didn't eat dinner that night. He went back to Metropolis a few days later to make the funeral arrangements. The next few months were hell for him. He still had all of Lex's pain pills, although they barely affected him. He liked the way that his body could slip away, even if it was for just a short time. After he got picked up for the DUI, Clark stopped talking all together. Before that, he went home every weekend. He and Pete would play basketball, and watch TV. Most of the time Ross was able to keep the comments about Lex to a minimum and nearly all of them civil. However, once in a while Pete couldn't forget his history. Each time Clark felt himself loose control. He'd almost beaten the young man up a few times.  
  
"Maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore," Clark said after the first incident. "I don't wanna have to worry about hurting you.  
  
"Look, I know you loved Lex and all, and I know he was good to you, but Clark, he was still a Luthor."  
  
"No, Pete. Lex's dad and Lex couldn't have been less like each other." "I don't understand."  
  
"I don't wanna explain it. How about a beer?" Pete nodded and they each downed a Budweiser. An hour later, Pete who had drunken 2 beers was mildly buzzed; Clark who had almost a dozen wasn't even fazed.  
  
"Clark," Pete hugged his buddy. "I just hope you're gonna be okay, man."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"You can't keep drinking like that. Someone's going to see one day, and then you'll have a lot of explaining to do." Clark shook his head.  
  
"I don't need to drink. Lex has like a million different types of pain pills. I could take 'um all and even for me that would probably be enough."  
  
"Clark, don't say things like that. We would all miss you a lot. It hurts now, but things are going to get better. I promise."  
  
"You don't know that. And you know what? I don't feel any better. Not even a little. It's been almost a year, and yet, nothing." Pete nodded.  
  
"Maybe you should talk to somebody."  
  
"I'm not crazy."  
  
"I thought you said Lex talked to psychiatrists sometimes." Clark nodded. "You didn't think he was crazy did you?" Clark sighed.  
  
"I'll think about it."  
  
After three months of seeing Dr. Leach, Clark decided he'd had enough. He told Susan he needed to see a different therapist. She gave him a list of suggested names, but Clark already knew his first choice. When Lex had been going through chemo, there were several shrinks whom he visited; one of them seemed to be really trust worthy. Lex told Clark how he almost felt like he could trust this woman.  
  
"Hey, there." Dr. Rachel Stine walked into the office and sat down facing Clark. "You must be Clark. You look just like I imagined you."  
  
"Lex talked about me?"  
  
"That surprises you?" He shrugged. "He really liked you. I never heard Lex talk about anybody the way he did with you. Everything he said was nice and he told me that he really trusted you."  
  
"That was hard for him." Rachel nodded. "Did Lex tell you about his dad?"  
  
"Yes, he talked about Lionel a lot. I only wish I could have been around when he was little. If Lex had told even one social worker, he probably could have been put in a safe home."  
  
"If it as anyone except the Luthor's yea, but if you think Lex's dad doesn't control everything in Smallville and Metropolis, then you got another thing coming."  
  
"Would you mind if I sat down on that chair?" Rachel nodded to a seat next to her patient.  
  
"It's just not fair. Lex was so strong, and smart and. . .'  
  
"There were a lot of great things about Lex. He loved you very much. Did he tell you that?"  
  
"Yeah, like all the time. When I was with him, I really felt it too. I've had a few girl friends, and I um. . ."  
  
"You slept with somebody since Lex died?" Clark nodded ashamedly. "Did you feel better?"  
  
"No, it made me feel awful, and I think I really hurt Lana."  
  
"Lang?" Rachel looked up from her notes. "Lex talked about Smallville a lot." Clark nodded. "Have you talked to her about it?"  
  
"I haven't said much of anything to her since we, slept together." He looked down. Rachel nodded. "That's normal?" Clark looked around the room. Ever since Lex had died all he had wanted was to be with him again.  
  
"It must be really hard for you to talk about yourself. I know that was one of Lex's problems. He'd come in here and start to tell me stories about you, and your friends, and his mother, and sometimes we'd just talk about comic books, movies. . ."  
  
"Wait, I don't have to-"Clark stammered. He couldn't figure out exactly what he wanted to say. "I can talk about anything here?" Rachel nodded.  
  
"Whatever you are comfortable with."  
  
"Is it okay that I'm pissed at Lex? I feel like I should hate him or something. He promised me that we'd be together forever. I knew that it wouldn't last forever but, but I never thought it would happen like this. And then when he went into the asylum the second time. It wasn't fair. I knew he wasn't crazy, but he was so sick. And I was so scared. I had never ever seen him like that before." "I don't know if he told you, but Lex and I went to high school together. Well, prep school. He didn't really have any friends. I liked that about him, and he read warrior angel comics." Clark giggled. "Yeah, well its one of those things you either get or you don't get. He trusted me then too. I had this little place out in the woods near campus and I took him out there a few times every week."  
  
"Did you?"  
  
"A few times, yeah. But we were friends more than anything. He told me a lot of stuff, about himself, and he-"Rachel sighed.  
  
"Lex told me he used to cut himself when he was in high school. If that's what you don't wanna say."  
  
"He showed me his cuts. And when he was feeling vulnerable, he'd let me hold him." Clark looked up at this woman. She's beautiful, he thought. Then he pinched his gut.  
  
STOP IT! You can't forget Lex. "He liked to be held. When he was really sick, after I lost my job and everything, we'd just lie in bed and I would hold him and kiss him. He cried a lot."  
  
"His sessions were rough, especially on him. He was really happy go home to you after them. I knew how much he hated coming here."  
  
"Lex was only going for my sake."  
  
"And what about you?" Clark looked at the ground. "You don't have to tell me, but I'm here anytime you want to say anything."  
  
"I went to a bar with some of the money that I inherited from Lex. I got everything; but I don't know how to spend it. I think I'm gonna throw it into the ocean or something." He saw the doctor grimace. "No, I couldn't do that. I grew up on a farm, we just scraped by. But I know my dad is too proud to accept the money from a Luthor."  
  
"Your parents still had problems with Lex?"  
  
"They wanted to be. My mom and dad knew that Lex loved me and wasn't going to hurt me, but to my dad he was still a Luthor. Even after Lex broke everything off with his dad, my dad didn't. . .he couldn't! The other day. I came home and my dad said something to me. I almost killed him."  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"He said none of this would have happened if I had just listened to him when I was fourteen. And if I had just ignored Lex, not been friends with him, whatever."  
  
"That must have been rough." Clark nodded. She brushed her hand down the boy's cheek. Clark looked up into her arms.  
  
"You used to hold Lex, when you went to school together?" Rachel nodded. She held her arms open to Clark the way a mother does to a sick, crying. Clark curled up in her arms, laying his head against her chest. The boy's dark eyes were brimming with tears. He began to cry in huge hiccupping sobs. "Why did you and Lex break up?"  
  
"His father found out he was having a good time. That he had someone he could trust, someone who was teaching Lex to be independent of his father. And well, Lionel pulled Lex out of the school. I saw him the day before he left. It was really bad."  
  
"Lionel had raped him, right?" Rachel nodded. "You could always tell right after it had happened 'cause of the way he walked and," tears slid down her cheeks. "He tried to kill himself a week later. I visited him in the hospital."  
  
"Did you?"  
  
"He was a good friend, and I loved him. And I wanted him to know that no matter how much that bastard hurt him; I was still on his side."  
  
"Did you guys talk after that?"  
  
"I gave him my phone number and a notebook. Inside I had written him a whole bunch of letters and things."  
  
"He," Clark choked. "He still has that. When he was really sick, like with the fevers and the vomiting and the" Clark winced. "When he had to wear diapers, he hated that so much."  
  
"I know, he told me about it. We made up little jokes about it, but I always felt like I was making things worse for him."  
  
"No. Lex would come back from the sessions with you, and it was like the only time when he was totally happy. He said you gave him something. . ."  
  
"With your history, I'm not sure that prescription is such a good idea."  
  
"Lex tried to kill himself like ten million times and you wrote him a script for whatever he wanted."  
  
"I also knew Lex very well, and I knew that if he ever was going to commit suicide he would make sure that nobody could bring him back. He slit his wrists when he was in high school so people would pay attention to him. He showed me his scars, because he knew I could help make them better. Four months ago, you drank a huge bottle of scotch and almost drove." "It was two am in fucking Smallville, I wouldn't have hurt anybody."  
  
"You could have hurt yourself." Clark shook his head. "Clark, you're not invincible." I know sometimes it feels that way, but driving off a cliff, isn't going to bring Lex back."  
  
"Do you know how I met him?" Rachel shook her head. "I saved his life."  
  
"Oh that's right, sorry. He did tell me." Rachel kissed Clark's brow. He sniffled, and buried his head against her breast. "Is there something more?" Clark nodded.  
  
"It's hard." He sighed. "It's so damn hard."  
  
"I know. Lex was like the greatest guy in the world. He was like my only friend in high school. When I lost him, I met some other people and we were okay, but it was never the same. And I couldn't stop thinking about Lex. I missed him every day. I wanted to hold him, and to fix him, and to love him."  
  
"He loved you, well you know I mean 'cause Lex wasn't really into women and all, we sort figured that out together. But he liked you more than any other girl on the planet. And he trusted you. I think you and me are like the only people in the world who know how serious that is."  
  
"I loved him too. When I got his name on my list of patients, I sort of hoped he was still single. I wanted to hold him again, and to kiss him."  
  
"I want to feel him inside of me." Clark blushed.  
  
"Me too."  
  
"You're not supposed to talk to me like this, are you?"  
  
"No. I'm supposed to tell you how to move on with your life and remember the good things about Lex and to be happy. But I know that you won't buy that. I also know that considering how much time you and Lex spent together, you probably think the same way he did. Right?"  
  
"I'd like to think that we have a lot in common, yea."  
  
"So, why don't you let me explain that whole warrior angel thing to you?" Rachel smiled, and Clark nodded. They didn't get up from the sofa, though. The two of them just sat there, Rachel holding Clark, and Clark trying to put his life back together, piece by piece. 


	5. i love you

Author's note: A psychiatrist or psychologist dating their patient is extremely unethical. However, this is a fictional story, and Clark and Lex both need what they get from these relationships. So. . . :P ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________  
  
Rachel Stine thought she hated prep school more than anyone else in the world; then she met Lex Luthor. It was simple enough, she had no where to sit at lunch time, and he had an open table. Rachel recognized him, everyone could have, he was after all fourteen and completely bald. But that didn't bother her. She knew what it was like to be different, and so she decided to take a chance on him.  
  
"Do you mind if I sit here?" Lex didn't look up from his book, Niche, nor did he say anything. "I'll take that as a yes." Rachel put her tray down on the table next to Lex's. He continued to read, his lips moving as he went. "So, what are you, man or superman?"  
  
"If you're going to make some snotty comment about my hair, then you might as well know that-"  
  
"Wow, aren't you Mr. charming. Personally I don't give a rat's ass what you look like, I just need a place to sit and eat so I don't get run over. For your information, I spent most of the third and fourth grade bald." Lex looked up and at her.  
  
"What happened?" He spoke dryly, trying to sound interested but apathetic. He was doing a pretty rotten job of it.  
  
"I had cancer." Rachel noticed that Lex's voice drew in sharply. "Isn't it kind of warm for that?" She decided to change the subject. Lex was the only boy in school who was still wearing a blazer. During the summer months the guys chose to take them off rather than boil alive.  
  
"I guess I'm just worried about getting too much exposure to the sun." Rachel gently touched his cheek.  
  
"Not like that's a problem."  
  
"Who are you to talk to me like that? Do you know who I am?"  
  
"Probably some snobby rich person's son, and probably a huge snob yourself. Sorry that I'm bothering you so much by trying to treat you like a decent human being."  
  
"I um-"Lex was at a loss for words. "My mom wasn't a snob," he said looking out the window. "But my dad-he-have you ever heard of Lionel Luthor?"  
  
"No shit, man. Oh don't tell me, that's your dad. . ."  
  
"Yeah," Lex looked down. "But I'm not like him, I swear." He held up his hands innocently. "He thinks that I'm a total failure. He hates me."  
  
"I'm sure he doesn't hate you," Rachel put her hand on Lex's shoulder. He smiled weakly.  
  
"No, trust me, he does." Lex shudders and rubbed his lower back absently. Had she been paying attention Rachel would have picked up on some of the signs immediately. She did know, however, that there was something wrong with him.  
  
"Why would he think that? You seem like a nice enough guys to me. When you're not jumping down everybody's throats in class."  
  
"I can't help it if everyone we go to school with is a moron."  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Except you. You're in my math and English classes, right?" Rachel nodded. "And I think we have bio this semester."  
  
"Yeah, you're the one who always kicks my ass on those experiments."  
  
"Well, I never can compete with your essays." They laughed. Rachel liked, Lex. She had never felt comfortable around guys before, but something was different with this one.  
  
"Why don't we skip on out of here? I know a place we can go."  
  
"As long as it's not like the mall or something." Rachel playfully punched Lex in the shoulder. He reacted much more strongly than he should have. Rachel and Lex snuck out to her dorm, and then skidded off into a small wooded area. There was a small pond with a little shady tree, Rachel sat down under it.  
  
"This place is kind of nice, how did you find it?" Rachel sat down with Lex. He was quiet most of the afternoon.  
  
"Do you wanna talk about your dad?"  
  
"The last thing in the world I want is to do anything that has to do with my father. He, um. . ." Lex rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. "He's a monster. When my mother died, he beat me up for crying."  
  
"How old were you?" Before Lex could scream at her, Rachel put her hand up. "I know there's no age where what he did was appropriate, but maybe-no I can't think of a good reason for him to something like that. Never mind.  
  
"It was bad, you know? Well I guess you don't, but it was horrible. I- she-my mom was the only person I ever met who treated me fair right from the start. Even my dad started judging me before I could defend myself."  
  
"And here I thought I had it rough."  
  
"Cancer at eight is rough." "Seven years ago, and I had two great parents and lots of family members to help me get through it. You have to deal with this shit every-well when you're at home anyway."  
  
"You wouldn't, maybe, want to. I dunno if, maybe you might. . ."  
  
Clark Kent giggled. The thought of Lex stuttering, was one that too many people could probably not ever imagine. Rachel smiled too.  
  
"Now that's a sound I like to hear. I guess I impressed him that day. We started spending almost all our time together. The thing I hated most about school was group, or partner project's because I always wound up doing all the work. When Lex and I became friends, that wasn't a problem anymore. He and I were a really good team when it came to projects. Especially in science. He could do all the lab stuff and I could organize things, and write up the notes and all that kind of thing." Clark nodded. He looked down at himself sitting in this woman's lap.  
  
"I loved him," Clark said quietly.  
  
"I loved him too. I wanted to marry him."  
  
"Why didn't you?" Rachel sighed.  
  
"We were lovers, I'm sure you figured that out. You know? And Lex finally told me about his dad. What was going on. Lionel was like this vampire. Lex would be okay for a while, he would stop cutting and start wearing shorter sleeves, and then. . ." Rachel shuddered. "Lionel would come and visit, or Lex would have to go home for a holiday, a weekend, whatever. Then Lex would retreat into that shell."  
  
"Yeah, he did that a lot. When he got sick, it was really bad. Lex stopped talking. Can you believe that?"  
  
"I remember one day when Lex's dad came to visit him at school. We had been had hanging out in one of the lounges and snuggling. We were laughing, making fun of someone in one of our classes. We weren't doing anything against the rules; I was just nuzzling his neck and kissing his head. . ."  
  
"He really liked that, didn't he?" Rachel nodded. "He loved every type of attention as long as it was the good kind. Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you."  
  
"It's okay. This isn't an easy story to tell. I told Lex that I loved him, it was something we had been saying to each other for a while, but that day it made him bolt right up. At least that's what I thought at the time."  
  
"Son?" Lionel was standing directly over them. Lex looked up, his chest tightening, as if he were about to have an asthma attack. There were tears building up in his eyes, Rachel could see them. She could only pray that Luthor couldn't. Rachel rubbed Lex's back. His body was completely tense, knotted in too many places to count.  
  
"Get out of here," Lex whispered weakly. Rachel had seen him get physically sick before, and knew it was about to happen again. She rubbed his back one last time, kissed him and left. Every few steps down the hall she would turn around and look at Lex. Lionel had his arms around Lex, but it didn't look like the kind of hug anyone would ever want to get. Rachel wanted to grab a handful of sharpened pencils and shove them into Luthor's chest.  
  
The next day, Lex was limping. It wasn't like anything which Rachel had ever seen. The pair of pants he had on were at lest two sizes too big, and Lex was walking as if something were stuffed between his legs. Rachel, having read enough about child molestation and rape, knew immediately what had happened.  
  
"How long has he been doing that to you?" Rachel asked as Lex tried to sit down on a bench. He squeezed his bottom in tightly, trying to touch as little of his body to the cold hard seat. The bald boy looked away.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing happened." Lex rubbed his wrist. Rachel pulled him into her lap. His body was shaking; he looked up at his lover and started to sob. "I was five the first time. He used to-I used to. . ." Rachel held Lex while he told her his story.  
  
"Oh, baby. I'm sorry." Rachel ran her hand over Lex's scalp. "I'll keep you safe." His eyes lit up. "I promise." Lex snuggled into her arms closed his eyes.  
  
"Thank you," he mouthed, but even Clark Kent with his super alien ears probably would have difficulty hearing it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------  
  
"But I couldn't." She looked down. Clark looked much calmer than when he had first come in. He had been crying, who wouldn't after a session like that, but his body looked rested.  
  
"I don't think anybody could keep Lionel off of Lex. He did a whole bunch of awful things to him; even after you guys stopped seeing each other." Rachel knew that the important thing wasn't that she had protected him forever, but that she had tried, and how that had made Lex's life so much better.  
  
"He told me, when he started coming here again last year." Clark nodded. "He trusted you. A lot. And he really loved you."  
  
"I love him, so much." Clark whimpered.  
  
"Clark?" Rachel touched his cheek gently. She ran a finger along his cheek. "I know it's hard, but Lex is gone. You have to remember that."  
  
"Please God no. Don't you do this to me too." Clark's body racked with sobs. "Why doesn't anyone think that I know Lex is gone? Why can't I keep talking like normal? It hurts so much to say, was, did, and loved. . ."  
  
"I know, Clark. But he's gone. He loved you with his whole heart, and if he was still here, he would tell you that everyday. But he' not."  
  
"Just because he's gone doesn't mean I have to stop saying that I love him."  
  
"No, you don't."  
  
"You think that if I don't say 'I loved Lex so much,' that it means I think he isn't really dead and you think I'm gonna hurt me worse thinking that way. But I'm not. I'm gonna be okay." Clark sighed.  
  
"You're a really good person; I know exactly what Lex saw in you."  
  
"I'm sorry he couldn't marry you; I bet you would have taken good care of him. Probably better than me."  
  
"Nobody could do better than you; I could tell by the way Lex talked about you. Even when he just was saying something like, 'Clark and I went to Starbucks this morning."  
  
"Rachel," Clark whispered. "Can I ask you something?"  
  
"Sure," Rachel stroked Clark's hair gently. She was very careful, not wanting Clark to think she was taking advantage of him. He was beautiful, almost as sweet as Lex, but different.  
  
"Do you think that maybe-we could-if you wanted-maybe sometime you and me- maybe we could. . ." Rachel smiled.  
  
"Are you asking me on a date, Clark Kent?" He blushed. "Boy, you really do take after Lex."  
  
"So, um what do you say?"  
  
"Sure." 


	6. goodbye

Rachel Stine walked down the sterile hospital halls. She reached room 221 and stopped. One hand on the door, the girl sighed. Pushing it open, Rachel stepped inside. When Lex's father had pulled him out of school, and away from her, she had known this would happen. Lex had stopped cutting for nearly three months. But then Lionel had come back, he always came back. Lex's dad had seen Rachel and his son snuggling on a sofa and kissing. He knew Lex was getting stronger, and he didn't like that idea at all. Lionel always wanted to control Lex. It was easy when Alexander was little. When he had to do whatever Lionel said. It had all gone to hell when Lex became a teenager. Lex was rebellious, always, but things were different now. Rachel stepped into the room and saw the most horrible sight in the world. Lex was lying in bed with an IV poll hanging over his head. Something, Thorazine probably, was dripping down and into his arms. His eyes were glazed over, and there was drool on his pillow. The TV was on and Lex's body was facing it, but Rachel knew there was no way he could tell what was on.  
  
"So, are you here to give me the sponge bath, or the hand job?" Lex laughed manically. More drool dripped down his chin. Rachel wanted to scream and run out. But Lex needed her. He was curled up on his side, keeping his bottom from the bed. Lionel was here, she thought. Rachel sat down on the bed next to Lex. His body shook.  
  
"Shhh," Rachel soothed. Lex turned and stared at her. He was concentrating with all his might. Luthor licked his cracked lips. "I'm so sorry." Rachel kissed his head. Lex sucked in his breath. His body was stiff.  
  
"Rachel," he croaked. She nodded. "I didn't think. . . I thought I'd never see you again." She told herself she wouldn't try. The last thing Lex needed was to see her break down. He was in enough pain, and stress.  
  
"I told you, baby; I'm here for you." She tried to smile weakly, but knew it wouldn't fool Lex, not even in his current condition. Rachel took Lex's arm and rolled the pajama top to his elbow.  
  
"No," Lex whimpered. Rachel held on to his hand tightly, and kissed his bandage. "No." Rachel let go of him instantly. Lex's body reflexively curled up into a tiny ball. He buried his head into his chest and his knees to his chin. "He."  
  
"I know," Rachel whispered and kissed the top of the boy's beautiful head. "Let me hold you?" She put one hand on his shoulder. When Lex didn't fight back, she wrapped him in her arms.  
  
"Get me out of here?" Lex said after they had been lying there for almost an hour. Rachel nodded.  
  
"We'll run away together, one day. Okay? You and I will get a tiny little apartment somewhere and live completely on our own. We'll sleep together every night, and I'll hold you, and there will be no more need for this. Rachel kissed the bandage on Lex's arm. "At least I'm right handed." Lex laughed. Rachel looked at him confused. "You see, when you slit your wrist you cut through the tendons. My left arm will never be the same again. Oh well, I can always learn to jack off with the other one, right?"  
  
"You are such a pervert." Rachel giggled. Lex gave her a hazy smile through the drugs. "I brought you something." Lex's glossy eyes lit up.  
  
"What did you bring me?" He sat up in bed, using all his mental strength. Rachel thought he looked pitiful. She opened her backpack, and snuggled into bed with Lex. The hospital bed was tiny, there was barely enough room for the patient, but they somehow managed to get comfortable so both people were able to lay there.  
  
"This is a notebook." Rachel ignored Lex's eye roll. "I wrote letters and stuff to you in here. Stories about stupid people at school, poems, that sort of stuff. Anytime you feel lonely I want you to take it out and read it. It's not the same as being together, I know, but it's something."  
  
"Will you adopt me? I'll be good and I don't eat too much."  
  
"Oh, Lex."  
  
Clark was actually beginning to enjoy his therapy sessions; talking to Rachel was like talking to a female Lex. They had gone on one date and decided that there was absolutely no chemistry. But that didn't stop their friendship. Rachel would tell Clark stories from Lex's past, and Clark would update her on his life. She gave him advice when she could, which is basically all anyone can do. Clark had never liked those shrinks who pretended they had all the answers.  
  
"Are you older than Lex," Clark asked. Then quickly he added, "Older than he was?"  
  
"No, he just wanted me to take him away from the shitty life he had. He knew we couldn't run away together, because he'd already asked me that once."  
  
"It must have been really hard to see Lex all doped up like that. I remember when he was sick. You know, he still has, had, I have that book. He wouldn't let me read it when he was alive, I um. I was wondering if you would mind if I read it now."  
  
"I think that if Lex said no when he was alive, he really didn't want you to. There's a lot of really private stuff in there. Stuff that happened to me; things that I knew would help him get through the rough times with is dad." Clark looked up at her and smiled weakly.  
  
"That's a good boy. You practice your social exercises this week?" Rachel had given Clark homework between sessions. He was to do something socially every week, for at least an hour. He could go to the mall and look around, go the grocery store, a club, anything he wanted as long as he attempted to talk to somebody. "Yeah," Clark sighed. "Was I his only male lover?" Rachel sighed, biting her lip. She knew it would make Clark feel much better knowing he was Lex's one and only, but she couldn't lie to him.  
  
"No, we kept in touch after he left prep school, and he told me what he was doing."  
  
Help!  
  
I'm dying inside. It's Christmas in the Luthor mansion and that means I'm home for almost three whole weeks. My father took advantage f this fact by raping me in the swimming pool, taking my trunks with him as he left. I had to parade in front of all the staff; wet, naked, and bleeding. He comes into my room at night. Rachel I need you. Every night I stare at the scars on my wrists and wish I had cut deeper.  
  
The only thing that keeps me from swallowing every pill in my father's medicine cabinet is the thought of you. I got your letter yesterday; at least one of us is having a good time. I miss your hands on me; I miss how gentle you are.  
  
Remember that night when my roommate was gone and we slept together in my dorm. You brought a whole stack of Warrior Angle comics, and a collection of Secrets and Lies, I always loved that you wrote your own comics. But we didn't look at either. I was lying in bed when you first entered the room. My arm was broken from a struggle I'd had with father. The only time I bothered to fight back and he beats the shit out of me. I was lucky though, I had plenty of pain medicine to take my mind off of the fact that I'm fading away to nothing.  
  
I had the lights off and might have been sleeping. You slunk in and pulled the blankets from my body. I remember waking up then and seeing you smile and wink at me. I had on those silk pajamas, still going commando due to the intense pain coming out of my ass where my father stuck a dry 7 inch long cock.  
  
Your hands were warm and soft, and there were these slight calluses on them because you play guitar, but it felt good. You were so soft and gentle and kind. I came so fast that you couldn't help but laugh. You licked all my cum off of your hand, it was so sexy. These are the things I think about when my father has my head pressed so far down in the pillow that I think I'm about to have an asthma attack.  
  
I read the notebook you gave me cover to cover, five, six, maybe even ten times. I can almost hear your voice when I read them. The next time you feel like writing me a letter, give me a phone call. I need to hear your voice. I need to tell you things I don't trust to put down on paper. I don't think I can adequately describe how I'm feeling, but you can always tell when we talk.  
  
Rachel, I need you to come and save me. We could run away together. I bet I could get a lot of money out of my trust fund without my dad even noticing and then we could just get an apartment. We could live together, I'd get a job and you could stay home or work or whatever and we'd just live in this little place and be happy. I don't need much food, and if it came down to it I could sell my body on the streets, most of these people are much better than my dad.  
  
My dad does it to keep me under his thumb, to scare me, to kill me. If I was a hustler then they would just be after sex. It would be fast and they wouldn't try to suffocate me. And I could make a lot of money that way. Sorry. I just re-read that part. I know how stupid it sounds. I guess I just want to be with you.  
  
I love you Rachel. I want to be with you forever. I miss your hands on my cock and your lips on my scars. I wish a razor; but even more I wish I had you. You were always so good to me. Nobody ever treated me the way you did, but then again knowing what I know about your past, it isn't that surprising. Never forget, you are beautiful; I love you; and I need you.  
  
Lex  
  
"Wow," Clark mouthed re-reading the letter. He couldn't believe it. "Lex, wrote this?" Rachel nodded. "Well, I-uh I guess I can sort of see why he would; I can tell why he might-maybe . . . you know."  
  
"Lex wanted to die when he was a teenager. Most of the people who cut themselves don't. They want to control something in their life, even if it causes them pain. Lex wanted to escape from his father. And who could blame him?"  
  
"I need to talk to you about something. Something that doesn't have to do with Lex. Well it does have to do with Lex, but not really. I can't you know. . .It's um. Well you see I."  
  
"You met somebody?" Rachel smiled and rubbed Clark's back. He grinned too, and nodded. "Very good, boy."  
  
"What am I, some sort of dog?"  
  
"Well, if you were to just listen to Lex's descriptions you might think you were his pet."  
  
"What?"  
  
"He told me you were loyal, and kind, and sweet, and loving, and gentle, and." The two tossed their heads back in fits of laughter. "So tell me about your new friend."  
  
"He's like Lex, but not you know?" Rachel nodded. It seemed every guy she'd met since breaking up with Lex was like him, but not.  
  
"Where did you meet him?" Clark smiled weakly. "You were doing something and thinking about Lex?" He nodded. "And you bumped into someone?"  
  
"Yeah, I was at this comic book convention. Lex's collection wasn't 100% complete, you know. So I went to this convention to look for some of the Warrior Angel's that he didn't have, 'because I thought he would like that." Clark smiled and closed his eyes. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Neither Clark Kent, nor Spike Pearl was looking when they reached for Warrior Angel issue 32 and so naturally they bumped into each other. Spike was dressed in baggy and ragged jeans, a t-shirt that would have been old ten years before, and a jacket that couldn't keep him warm in the summer. He was poor, either that or he just didn't give a shit. Clark figured anyone who could waist over $100 on a comic book must fall into the second category.  
  
"You can't have that," Clark said quietly. He wasn't prepared to fight, but he really needed that one. Lex had a copy as a child, and Lionel had shredded it, and then forced his son to eat the pieces of paper.  
  
"Why the hell not? It's one of the most valuable comics of all time." Spike looked at the farm boy angrily. He couldn't possible understand what this comic meant to him. He couldn't have any idea. "Look man, Warrior Angel isn't for dorks like you, why don't you go get a Casper the friendly ghost or something."  
  
"Lex Luthor was my best friend until he died last year. He left his entire collection to me. One of the few comics he is missing is this one because his father . . . forgets it. I was here first this is my fucking comic."  
  
"Alexander, Luthor?" Spike's jaw dropped. "Alright, well if it's so important to you, then you have to buy me dinner."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I haven't even read that one."  
  
"You can't read this!" Clark gasped. "That's like-it's like-"  
  
"Okay, okay, you know enough about comics to buy it." Spike laughed. "I'm sorry it's just that a few years ago, I was in this same situation with some guy who bought a $200 comic and then gave it to his five-year-old."  
  
"Lex started collecting when he was eight."  
  
"Yeah, but everyone in Metropolis knows Lex was like a huge genius. You tell anyone around here you were friends with Lex and they'll give you tons of free crap."  
  
"Lex was more than my friend, he was like my," Clark couldn't believe he was doing this, but at least he couldn't get beaten up. "We were lovers."  
  
"I guess you don't need any free crap then, hu?" Clark shook his head. "Do you think you might want to go out to dinner?"  
  
"I'm not sure if I'm ready for that."  
  
"Whoa!" Spike laughed. "Easy tiger, just 'because Lex was a sex maniac doesn't mean everyone who wants to spend time with you is looking for a fuck or a lasting relationship."  
  
"Oh." Clark looked at the floor. He was no longer sure he wanted the comic book. Perhaps this was a ploy, if it was, it was working. Never since Lex's death had Clark wished his lover were around more.  
  
"Shit, I didn't mean it like that. Look, let's just get something to eat besides cold hamburgers, and talk. Okay?" Clark considered this for a moment and then said, "Okay." 


	7. squid

"Rape me Rape me, my friend"-Kurt Cobain  
  
"I never thought I knew too much I always thought I knew enough"-The Wallflowers  
  
"Do you like Italian food?" Clark asked as the two boys stepped out of the convention center. He knew a great little café that Lex used to bring him to. Clark felt a sharp stab in his heart. Lex would never take him to Bella Via again. He would never sneak his hand under the table to rub Clark's crotch. They would never sip coffee and eat linguine with clams. But Spike had no way of knowing that. So of course Spike said yes, since Bella Via was his favorite restaurant as well.  
  
Once inside the restaurant, Clark felt his chest tighten. He clenched his teeth, sucking them in. Spike was staring, he couldn't help it. Clark was gorgeous. But he was nervous. He looked like he was about to start crying at any moment. Spike put his hand on Clark's shoulder, and squeezed it.  
  
"You come here often?" Spike sat down across from Clark. Sitting side by side is a sacred custom saved only for seriously dating couples. Until you reached the point where you slept together, you always ate across from each other. That's just the way it works. Clark felt his knees shaking under the table. He wished Lex was around. He wished. . .  
  
"I used to. Before Lex got sick, we came here all the time. Then he sort of stopped eating and it was sort of you know pointless."  
  
"Cancer sucks. My mom had it." Spike said wiping his nose across his sleeve. Clark couldn't help but notice the link. Lillian had also died from the big C. However, Lex would NEVER wipe his nose like that. Clark had laughed the first time Lex brought out his handkerchief. The damned thing cost more than a months worth of Kent family groceries. But once Lex gave him one for his birthday, Clark never went back.  
  
"I'm sorry." Clark never knew what to say when somebody told him that a person had died. He didn't know what he wanted people to say to him about Lex. He knew how fucking inadequate sorry was, but it was the best thing he could think of.  
  
"Doesn't help much, does it?" Spike looked over the menu. "What are you gonna get?" Clark closed his eyes. Lex always ordered the clams. He had never even looked at the menu. Clark licked his lips.  
  
Vodka Sauce? Damn I wish Lex was here. I feel so stupid asking questions like that. Lex wouldn't have told me I was stupid, but who knows with this guy.  
  
"I um-I haven't been here in a while, what do you suggest?"  
  
"The calamari is excellent. We should start with that, and then maybe like a big pizza and some kind of pasta?"  
  
"Calamari? Isn't that fried squid?" Lex had tried to give that to him once. Clark had refused. Lex had ordered it anyway, and throughout the whole meal tried to persuade the boy to eat some.  
  
"You dated Lex Luthor and you never ate Calamari?"  
  
"He listened when I said no. I guess that's not too surprising."  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Lex's father, he um. He well. Lex was raped by his father, so he was pretty good at listening to people he cared about. He loved me, and didn't want me to be pushed into anything."  
  
"Wow. All the guys and girls I ever went out with were only interested in my money or my cock." Clark inhaled sharply.  
  
"Lex was the only person you ever slept with?"  
  
"No," Clark shook his head. "The day that Lex died, I went back to Smallville. And I went to visit my old friend, Lana. She and I wound up making love on her sofa, but i." Clark stammered. "It was, different. I was in a lot of pain. And I think she did it out of pity."  
  
"Let me guess, your life long crush?" Clark nodded. "Never as good as the dreams, is it?"  
  
"No, it wasn't. And I kinda feel weird talking to her now."  
  
"Have the calamari, it's important to try new things."  
  
"I um-"  
  
"Just do it."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Clark reluctantly took his fork and speared a piece of squid. HE placed the fork in front of his face examining it. Then he took a bite that would make even a mouse laugh. It was almost humanly impossible to take such a small taste. But then again, Spike didn't know Clark's secret.  
  
This is going to be tough, Clark thought. It's no good starting a relationship on lies. Lex had told him that. But Clark couldn't just blurt out his secret to any guy. Even if he was cute. Even if he happened to like the same food and comics as Lex. He hardly knew Spike. He didn't even know the guy's real name.  
  
"If you've got that much of a problem with it, then don't bother. I just thought you'd like to try something new." Clark nodded and wrapped the rest of the squid in his napkin.  
  
"Sorry, I guess I-it's just that-I-"  
  
"It's alright," Spikes hand rested atop Clark's. He waited for the boy to pull back. "You don't really want that comic book do you?" Clark shook his head.  
  
"Lex did. He needed it. He had to replace-never mind you wouldn't understand."  
  
"But Lex died, Clark." The farm boy's face began to flush with anger. "And I'm sure you're sick of people telling you that. But right now, you're still in denial." Clark gulped. Any response to that would just further prove Spikes point.  
  
"I guess I thought that if I got that comic, Lex would come back and things would be just like they used to. I thought he could come back and make the pain go away."  
  
"Time is the only thing that can make pain go away. Lots and lots of time."  
  
"But it's been two years. And I still feel like Lex only died this morning." Spike nodded. He squeezed Clark's hand.  
  
"It's different for everyone. You'll never stop missing him. I'm not going to lie to you and say that one day you no longer love this person who you've lost, 'cause it doesn't happen like that. But one day, eventually you are going to feel better. And that's aloud. You're allowed to fall in love again; to feel happy. Lex would want that."  
  
Clark couldn't believe his ears. Spike was moving closer as he spoke to him. Clark knew he was going to be kissed. And he wasn't entirely sure he wanted it. All of a sudden, well maybe not so suddenly since Clark had been watching him, Spike's mouth was on Clark's. He pushed his lips against the flannel clad boy's, his tongue darted out.  
  
Clark sat there stunned, not kissing back. He tried to chock back the tears but they spilled out anyway.  
  
"Stop," Clark whispered between Spike's forceful kisses. HE could only pray Spike would hear, and listen.  
  
"I'm sorry." Spike pulled back. Clark tried to stand up but tripped over his feet as if he were surrounded by Kryptonite. He landed wit a thud on the floor; pretty sure he left a dent. He stood up and stepped backwards.  
  
"I should go. It's getting late."  
  
"Wait." Spike grabbed his wrist. Clark tried to think of a way to get out of this situation without using his powers and without harming Spike. He didn't think it was possible. How could I have been so stupid? "Look, I'm sorry about that. I miss read the signals. I like you Clark, and I want to get to know you. Why don't we go somewhere and just talk?" "Where?" Clark was terrified Spike would suggest his hotel room. Clark didn't think he had the emotional strength to say no that night. It wouldn't be rape, since he didn't fight or give Spike any reason to think he wasn't interested, but it would be close. If he went up to Spike's room Clark was pretty sure he'd never be able to enjoy sex again.  
  
"There's a coffee shop in the hotel lobby?" Spike suggested, sensing Clarks apprehension. "In case you're wondering, I'm not ready to spend the night with you yet, either."  
  
"What are you, some kind of mind reader?"  
  
"You practically killed yourself trying to get away from me kissing you. Somehow I think a fuck is out of the question. Besides, I haven't met anyone like you in a long time."  
  
"Like me?" Clark knew there was no one in the world like him, but he didn't dare mention that. God he was dying to tell Spike his secret. He wanted Spike to trust him and he wanted to be able to trust Spike. But that wasn't really it. He wanted Spike to be Lex. He wanted Lex back.  
  
"Somebody who I don't want to screw and forget about."  
  
"I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship."  
  
"So we'll start off as friends, and see where it goes?" Clark considered this for a moment. Friends he could handle. And Lex would be proud of him. Anything was better than sitting around the house and feeling sorry for himself. Rachel would be glad too. Real social interaction. Before he had just gone to the park and sat on a bench alone. It counted, but he always felt like he was cheating. It was just that everything else seemed so hard.  
  
"Okay," Clark said, his throat felt dry and raw as if he had been screaming for a long period of time. "Friends sound good. I can handle that." 


	8. runaway

"Hopeless Bleak Despair It was Always There And Then One Day It Disappeared"~~They Might Be Giants  
  
Spike and Clark stayed up until 4:00 AM talking. Clark told Spike about his life on the farm. He talked a lot about Lex, and Spike listened carefully. He told Clark about his own life, he grew up in a normal middle class neighborhood, went to a normal school, blah, blah, blah. He made a fortune in the stock market when he was 23 and since then he had been able to live off his profits. Clark began to get uncomfortable when Spike talked about money. He had always been the same way with Lex.  
  
"It's not a big deal. I try and live pretty simply, you know?"  
  
"You were gonna spend three hundred dollars on a comic book and you call that living simply?"  
  
"You did the same thing."  
  
"For Lex."  
  
"Look I know I don't really know you all that well, but I think maybe you should talk to somebody it seems like." Clark cut him off.  
  
"I do. I see this psychiatrist twice a week. I guess maybe I'm not doing so well. I'm better than I used to be though."  
  
"Well that's good."  
  
"I do know that he's not coming back. I know that. It's just that-"  
  
"It hurts, I know. I've lost people too."  
  
"Does it ever stop hurting?"  
  
"No." Clark bit his lip. "I'm not gonna lie to you kid, you're gonna miss Lex forever, and it's always going to hurt. But it does get less with time."  
  
"You keep saying that."  
  
"You keep asking." Clark yawned and rubbed his eyes.  
  
"Sorry." Spike put his hand on Clark's. He squeezed gently. Clark squeezed back. Spikes other hand traveled to the farm boy's knee. He squeezed there too. Clark felt the heat growing in his crotch. Spike was beautiful; even better looking than Lex and Clark wanted to be touched again. He missed having hands all over his body. All he wanted was for things to go back to the way they where. He wanted. . . Clark wasn't sure what he wanted.  
  
"Why don't we go back up to my room?" Spike's hand traced the lump in Clark's jeans. "I feel like I know everything about you, Clark. I promise that this won't be a one time thing. God I know that sounds-gay-'Spike winced at the word, "bad choice I know, but you understand what I mean, right?" Clark nodded.  
  
"I can't do this. Not yet." Spike squeezed again. Clark moaned. Expert fingers started to unzip Clark's pants. "Not here, please stop." Spike let go completely.  
  
"Look, here's my phone number," Spike wrote it down on the back of a flyer from the convention. "We can go out again. We'll talk more. How's that sound?"  
  
"Yeah, okay." Clark took the sheet and stared at it blankly. "Wait." Clark called as Spike started to walk away.  
  
"You okay man?"  
  
"What's your name? I'm not gonna call you Spike forever."  
  
"But that's what I like to be called." Clark gave him a desperate stare. He whimpered. "My name is Ralph, okay. Like in puke."  
  
"I dunno, I kinda like that."  
  
"Spike and nothing else."  
  
"Jesus you are like Lex."  
  
"I'm gonna take that as a complement whether or not it was meant to be."  
  
"It was. I loved Lex, he was the bestest." Spike giggled. "You're pretty good too. And you stopped when I asked you too."  
  
"Only a monster wouldn't."  
  
"Lex's dad was a monster."  
  
"He hurt you?"  
  
"Lex."  
  
"That sucks, man." Ralph, Spike, hugged Clark tightly. "You took good care of him when he was sick, right?"  
  
"Yeah." Clark nodded. He couldn't imagine anyone else doing something other than what he had done.  
  
"That makes you a really good person. LOTS of people leave their, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, friends, whatever when they get a diagnosis like cancer."  
  
"They do?" Clark seemed shocked. Spike just nodded. "Fuck. I'll call you, okay?" Spike smiled and kissed Clark on the temple.  
  
"It's gonna be okay, kid. I promise."  
  
"Tell me a story about Lex," Clark begged Rachel during a session about three months after he and Spike met.  
  
"Aren't you supposed to be talking right now, Clark?" Rachel smiled and gently touched his shoulder.  
  
"I spent all night talking to Spike; I'm all talked out. We 'um. Last night I slept with him."  
  
"How do you feel about that?" Clark shrugged. "Don't do that to me, Clark. I know you better than that."  
  
"It was good. And I don't feel as guilty as I did with Lana. I feel like it was okay, like it was allowed."  
  
"Of course it was allowed. You know what Lex told you about relationships. And even if he hadn't said anything, it's not cheating on somebody when the person you were in love with has died."  
  
"It still feels wrong." Clark sniffed.  
  
"I know kiddo," she kissed his cheek. Clark blushed. He liked Rachel, unlike any woman since he had discovered his was a homosexual. When she touched him he felt safe. It wasn't a sexual thing, but more of a motherly type thing.  
  
"Tell me?"  
  
"Fine," Rachel sighed. "It's a rough one, you know? Most of my stories about him are."  
  
"I know. Lex's life sucked most of the time. He tried to run away from it when he was like 18, in Metropolis, but that didn't work out."  
  
"No, it didn't. I saw him during that time period; he didn't see me, thank God. It was bad though."  
  
"I bet, but please, tell me the story!" Clark lay down on the sofa and cuddled a pillow.  
  
When Rachel was seventeen she had some health problems that made it impossible for her to have a roommate. Because of this she moved out of the dormitory and into an apartment. Lex loved this. It meant that he didn't have to worry about Rachel's roommate when he came over to visit. He came over a lot. Rachel's apartment was safe.  
  
Lex Luthor ran away from home when he was seventeen years old; he went to Rachel Stine's apartment. He pounded on the door, and rang the bell innocently until she opened up and let him inside.  
  
"I need a drink." Lex all but screamed running for the fridge.  
  
"Water?" Rachel suggested. She knew Lex wanted alcohol; she had it, but didn't want to give it to him in his current state. Because Rachel looked much older than her age she was easily able to get beer, wine, whatever. She personally hated the taste, but she got it for Lex and for her friends.  
  
"No. Something that has a strong taste. I need it now."  
  
"Oh God." The realization hit Rachel (PLEASE FORGIVE ME) like a ton of bricks. Lex reached into the refrigerator and took out a beer. He downed it in less than thirty seconds. Then the bald, terrified young man reached for another. Rachel grabbed his wrist. "Talk to me."  
  
"He made me. . ." Lex sobbed. "It was awful. I never ever wanna do that again. It was worse than anything." Rachel got her first real good look at Lex then. His face was bruised; he would have a black eye the next morning, and a little bit of blood drizzled from his left nostril. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt, buttoned at the wrists despite the fact that it was August and sweltering.  
  
"Oh, Lex. Not again."  
  
"I'm sorry," he whimpered. "I know I should have come sooner, but he kept on hurting me and making me stay in."  
  
"Come sit with me?" Rachel took the shaken, bald, boy over to the sofa and held him in her arms. She wrapped him supportively, but gave him enough room so he didn't feel constricted. Lex laid his head against her chest. He began to sob hysterically. Rachel hadn't seen him like this since his suicide attempt. "It's okay baby," Rachel stroked his head. She ran her fingers down his scalp, rubbed the spot on his neck she knew he enjoyed. "You're safe here," she soothed.  
  
"I tried to fight a back," Lex looked up at her when he ran out of tears, although he far from finished crying. His chest was still heaving. Rachel wished she had an inhaler, or tranquilizers, anything that would help calm Lex down.  
  
"I can see that, baby." Rachel kissed his bruises gently. "You get him anywhere good?"  
  
"I scratched his cheek pretty badly; I wonder how he's gonna explain that one. 'Yes well I was forcing my son to perform fallatio on me and he tore my cheek open with his finger nails' doesn't exactly go over well anywhere."  
  
"Lex I can't help if you hide behind all that cynicism. Tell me what you want me to do." 


	9. how many times

Lex Luthor's warm tears had barely dried on his face and on the chest of his current lover, Rachel Stine. The beer, three of them in fact, and a prescription tranquilizer that Rachel kept even though she never really needed it, had calmed Lex down considerably, but he was still a wreak. His body was battered, Lionel didn't care how he got it, he wanted Lex, and Lionel Luthor always got what he wanted. Lex tried to fight; he fought every time. That was the part that made Rachel the most proud. As long as he kept fighting it meant he hadn't given in.  
  
He didn't think he deserved this, and he wasn't going to let Lionel control him completely. As long as Lex fought back, he still had a chance to survive. The situation is identical to women who are being battered by their husbands, and vice versa. As long as the victim tries to defend themselves they have a chance of survival. Once they stop fighting back, they have reached the point where they can be beaten to death.  
  
Rachel looked down at the naked sleeping figure. He was so small, so weak, and so fragile. He was so beautiful. Despite the fact that Lex's body was covered in bruises, there no sight in the world more wonderful, to Rachel. She loved Lex more than anything else in the world. She wanted to protect him, from Lionel, from the bullies at prep school, from all the painful things that he would ever have to encounter.  
  
Even though she was only 17, Rachel already knew a lot about psychology. She knew that was what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to help people, people like Lex. But she knew Lex would never see a psychiatrist under his own will. He hated talking about his problems, even to Rachel. He got scared, and nervous, and angry.  
  
Lex muttered something in his sleep. He seemed to be in pain. Fresh tears dripped from his eyes. Lex shuddered, and rolled away from Rachel.  
  
"Shhh," Rachel soothed. She ran her hand down his scalp and back. She kept rubbing and whispering to him until Lex calmed down. "It's okay baby. You're safe now. It's just me."  
  
"Rachel. Help." Lex whispered in his sleep. Unforetently she was familiar with this routine. The nightmares were the worst. Every time the two of them slept together he had several. Rachel knew he must have them at home too. She could only pray that Lionel never saw them.  
  
Lionel demanded excellence from his son. He wanted Lex to do everything perfectly. He wanted a clone of himself. Lionel had been ecstatic when he had discovered his wife would be giving birth to a son. When Lex was born three months prematurely he was devastated. The last thing he wanted was for his son to be put on a respirator.  
  
"If he can't survive on his own, then he wasn't meant to live." He had thought. But Lillian had fallen in love with the tiny infant immediately. She wanted the best for him. And so Lex spent two months in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) before going home. By the age of three it was apparent that he had severed asthma. Lionel despised this as well. Lex was a weakling. He felt that his son was a total failure. Even as a tiny child Lex knew he was a disappointment to his father. As a result he became extraordinarily close to Lillian. She loved him no mater what, soothed him when Lionel was rough on him, took care of him when he was sick, she loved him. The first time Lionel raped Lex, he almost told his mother.  
  
"You can't tell anybody about this, Lex. No one will believe you, Son. It'll be your world against mine. Do you honestly think-"Lionel had chuckled. "Well, you know what would happen if it were your word against mine."  
  
"Mommy would believe me," Lex had said with confidence.  
  
"No, Lex. She may love you, but you are smart enough to know that no one will listen to a story like that."  
  
"But it hurts so badly, somebody's gotta be able to see that."  
  
"Yes, son, they could. But you aren't going to show anybody. And if someone finds out. You are going to tell them that you were grabbed by a stranger on your way home from school."  
  
"Daddy, why did you do that?"  
  
"Because you needed to be punished." Lionel ran his hand through his son's red curls. So soft, so beautiful, he thought. Lionel shook his head. This was purely a way of controlling his seemingly uncontrollable son. He was not sexually interested in Lex. He couldn't be.  
  
"You never punished me like that before."  
  
"Lex, do you want a spanking?" Lionel raised his hand as if to strike his son. Lex shook his head violently. He started to gasp for breath. The boy grabbed his chest. Lex panted.  
  
"Dad," he gasped. "Help." Lionel threw the inhaler which was kept by the side of his young son's bed at the boy. Lex took several long puffs. Finally he caught his breath. "I'm sorry daddy."  
  
"And if you're a good boy, I won't have to do that ever again." But that was a lie; Lionel was a good liar. He rarely spoke the truth. It wasn't that he enjoyed lying; it was just that he knew how devastating the truth could be. And more importantly, lying helped him get his way.  
  
"Daddy I'm sorry I was bad," Lex was genuinely sorry. Lionel almost felt guiltily for what he had done. But then an image flashed before his eyes. The small boy struggling under him. The power, the strength, the control. Lex's tears and his tiny voice begging for it to stop.  
  
"Please Daddy, stop. It hurt's so bad." Lionel thrust deeper into his son's bottom. He felt oddly aroused by the screams of the tortured boy. The tears only turned him on more. He knew it was wrong to feel this way about his child, his son, but it felt so good. And he was only doing it to keep Lex under his thumb.  
  
Lionel was able to convince himself of that, and so for all of Lex's life, he continued to fuck his son. He never noticed the scratches, cuts and scars on the boy's wrists. They were unimportant to him. He was only interested in one thing, controlling Lex. After Lillian's death, Lionel could no longer lie to himself. He was sexually attracted to Lex, and he enjoyed the physical relationship.  
  
The fact that Lex continued to struggle, and cry never bothered him though. It just made Lionel feel more in control. Sometimes he had to use more force than he would have liked to keep Lex in a position where he could be fucked, but the bruises were always in places hidden by clothing. And besides, Lex had always been a klutz. But then there was the one incident with the broken arm.  
  
"Lex, are you in here son?" Lionel entered the library. His son tended to hide here during most of his vacation time. The boy read constantly. Lionel wished he would spend more time on physical activities, perhaps then he wouldn't get beaten up so often. However, Lionel couldn't help but worry that if Lex worked hard enough he would be able to overpower his father. But that was still a long way off, Lex was still a pipsqueak. A bald, book reading, good for nothing, pipsqueak.  
  
"Yeah, dad." Lex's voice stiffened. He was holding a book of Nichen philosophy in his lap. Lex closed the book. "Is there something that you wanted?"  
  
"I think you know the answer to that, Son." Lionel moved closer to the boy. He grabbed the child and slammed him against the wall. There was a loud cracking noise. Lex screamed louder and in more pain than his father had ever heard in the boy's life. He began to pant as if having an asthma attack. "Shhh, Lex you know this won't be so bad. You should be used to it by now. Now stop that whining dammnit." Lex bit down on his lip, drawing blood, in order to keep from screaming or crying. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Rachel gently picked up Lex's wrist and kissed the scars running up and down his arm. He stirred in his sleep, but not out of pain. He sighed gently. Good boy, Rachel thought. He's such a sweet, good boy. I love him so much. Why can't I protect him? Why can't he stay here? When Lex woke up, Rachel suggested it.  
  
"He'd come after me. Dad used to say that he was doing it as punishment, but he enjoys it. He likes fucking the living daylights out of me. He likes causing me pain."  
  
"Oh, baby." Rachel ran her hand down his scalp. "I would protect you." She kissed his cheek. He shook his head.  
  
"He'd hurt you too. I can't let that happen. What time is it?" Rachel looked over at the clock. She told Lex. "Shit. I gotta go. If I'm not there when he comes looking for me, I'll be dead." Rachel wrapped Lex in a tight hug.  
  
"Promise me one thing, baby." She laid her hand gently on his crotch. Lex's cock stiffened to her loving touch.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't ever do this again," Rachel kissed his wrist.  
  
"It makes the pain go away. It makes it stop."  
  
"Come to me when you need it to stop; I'm always here." She held tightly onto him, refusing to let go until Lex made the promise.  
  
"I can't. If I come here enough he'll find out and then it'll all be over. Look, you don't know my father like I do."  
  
"Lex," She kissed him one last time, knowing that they would probably never see each other again. And had she not become a psychiatrist they never would have.  
  
There was that one night in Club Zero, but Lex hadn't noticed her. He had been with another woman. She almost didn't recognize him. If it hadn't been for the bald head, and the voice, that beautiful voice of his she never would have known. Rachel wanted to go up to him and give Lex a big hug, but she knew that would be a mistake. So she let him be. And years later she saw him again. She got to hold him again, show him love.  
  
"Wow," Clark gulped. "Poor Lex, I mean I knew it was bad, but-"  
  
"I shouldn't have let him leave." Rachel sighed.  
  
"That's like me saying I should have been able to make him better. Sometimes there's nothing anybody can do." Rachel smiled. "Hey. You did that on purpose."  
  
"Sorry, but at least you got it now. Hu, kid?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess I do. I guess I feel a little better. I mean, I still miss him, but it's not like. I don't feel like it's my fault anymore."  
  
"It never was." Rachel hugged Clark on his way out.  
  
"I know." "So, how did things go today?" Spike asked as Clark stepped into the apartment's kitchen. He was making spaghetti for dinner. That was Clark's favorite, and it had been a rough week. Spike wanted to make Clark feel better.  
  
"It was good. I got, I made a breakthrough. Lex's death. It wasn't my fault."  
  
"Oh, Clark." Spike wrapped his arms around his lover. He squeezed tight and lovingly "Have you been thinking that this whole time?"  
  
"I um-yeah I guess I sort of did. Sorry."  
  
"Baby," Spike kissed him hard on the mouth, pushing his tongue deep into Clark's throat. All he wanted was to take the boy's mind off his pain. All he wanted was to help. All he wanted was to show Clark how much he loved him. Because he loved Clark more than anything else in the entire world. He would give anything for Clark; he would do anything to make him happy.  
  
"I love you, Spike." Clark ground his erection into Spike's thigh.  
  
"I can see that," he giggled. "Now what do you suggest, we do about that?" 


	10. somthing so right

"When something goes right It's likely to loose me It's apt to confuse me It's such an unusual sight I can't get used to something so right"~~Paul Simon  
  
"Spike," Clark panted as he slammed into his lover's ass. His hands dug through the older man's hair. Clark was pretty sure that was the one difference between Lex and Spike he enjoyed the most. Lex's baldness had never bothered him; in fact he had found it quite sexy. But something about Spike's hair made love making, more . . . there wasn't a word for it. At least, there wasn't a word for it in Clark's vocabulary.  
  
"Yes, baby?" Spike's cock ached he was dying for release. He could have cum at least five minutes ago, but he was waiting for Clark. He always waited. That's what good lovers did.  
  
"I gotta tell you something," Clark came hard, spurting hiss semen into his lover's body. He had decided that he couldn't keep his secret from Spike, Ralph, (whatever) forever. He had to come clean. It was just so hard. Pete had understood, but he had know Pete since he was six-years-old.  
  
And then there had been Lex. He had agonized for months over whether or not to tell Lex. Lex who had always suspected. Lex who had hired a private investigator to look in on the Kent's. Who had told Clark about it, which had always been truthful with Clark? But Spike wasn't Lex Luthor.  
  
Clark knew that Spike loved him. Knew that Spike would never hurt him, would never do anything . . . but how could he know how anyone would respond to this type of secret.  
  
"What is it baby?" Spike sprayed his load all over the bed sheets. This was nothing new; the boys changed sheets on almost a daily basis since they had begun to make love. He moved and wrapped Clark's larger frame in his arms. Clark's golden muscular body, God how he loved it. He loved Clark. But he knew the boy was hiding something. This is it, he thought.  
  
Finally I'm going to find out what it is that he's been keeping from me.  
  
Am I a monster? Accusing the one I love of keeping secrets. What the hell is wrong with me? Clark's just shy. That's all.  
. . . That's all.  
  
"I'm not like everybody else." Spike ran his hand through the boy's hair. He tried to sooth the kid. He was feeling insecure again. Clark had told Spike that he had a major breakthrough in therapy, but Spike wasn't sure. The boy still blamed himself for all that happened to Lex. He was still hurting too much.  
  
"Oh, baby. No. Of course you aren't. You're special. I love you. You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."  
  
"No that's not what I mean."  
  
"Baby, what happened with Lex, it wasn't your fault."  
  
"I know that. That's not what I mean either. Look, Spike. My mom, my dad, the Kent's, they aren't my real parents. I was addpoted. But that's not all."  
  
"No?" Spike's interest peaked. Clark hadn't told him he was adopted, but Spike had guessed. There was just something about the way Clark's parents treated him. It wasn't that they loved him any less, or more because of it. There was just that-Spike wasn't sure what it was since he didn't have kids of his own.  
  
"You know about the meteor shower in Smallville right? Well my parents sort of, they um. They found me. And they thought that maybe my parents were like somewhere near by dead or something, but they never found anyone."  
  
Clark began to tense up. His voice shook. Something was wrong. It was like he was revealing some deep dark secret. This was something that had been bottled up for a long time. Spike wondered how many people knew. Lex for sure, the Kent's obviously, that was probably it.  
  
"It's okay, Clark. You can tell me. Whatever it is, I promise," Spike kissed the boys neck. He touched him gently. Spike was careful not to do anything that could be considered sexual. He wanted to calm and to comfort Clark, but not to make him feel forced into anything.  
  
"I'm an alien." Clark blurted out. "Not like from another country, but like from outer space. I came here in this ship when I was really little, like a baby." Clark proceeded to tell hi story. He told Spike about Krypton, about and the caves his father's visit to Earth. Clark talked about his little "adventure" in Metropolis, the meteor rocks and their effects on him.  
  
Spike didn't know whether to laugh or run away screaming. An alien. An honest to goodness extra terrestrial. Jesus this is like something out of a comic book. But then again, it does explain the meteor shower. It does explain so much about Clark.  
  
"So you're like warrior angel or something?" Clark giggled. That had been Lex's response. "I can't fly. But I um, well I can do a lot of things."  
  
"I'm not sure I believe you, you know? I mean this is like a lot to handle, a lot to think about."  
  
"I'd understand if you wanted to spend some time apart from me or something."  
  
"Is that what Lex did?"  
  
"No, but he sort of already knew. You see I saved his life, the day I met him. He hit me with his car at 60 mph and we went off this bridge together. I pulled the roof back on his car and pulled him out. He was unconscious and I gave him mouth to mouth. That was the first time I found out that-"  
  
"You can get hit by a car and it doesn't-"  
  
"Not even a scratch, I can also hear like anything from like really far away. And I can see through anything. Except lead. And. . . . "Clark continued to list his powers. With each one Spike became a little more doubtful. It was really hard to believe. Clark wasn't surprised.  
  
"Show me." 


	11. Lionel's POV

Lionel Luthor was in a business meeting when he received the telephone call that his fifteen-year-old son, Alexander Joseph Luthor had attempted suicide whilst away at prep-school. He was furious to have been interrupted at work with such a trivial mater. K He was even more upset that his supposedly intelligent child had done something so stupid. Lex should have been able to finish the deed successfully. If your child dies, even through suicide, you receive sympathy. However when your little boy is in a mental hospital or receiving psychiatric help of any kind, people talk, And so Lionel left his meeting to visit his son in the hospital.  
  
"You stupid little shit." The father screamed, slapping his son, but the boy didn't respond. He just lay there staring into space. Lionel punched the boy in the gut, hard enough to leave a large bruise. He continued to beat Lex for several minutes. Then he rolled the child over so he was laying face down. Soft sobbing sounds escaped from the teenaged boy's mouth. "Oh, now you talk? You going to beg me not to do this, Lex?"  
  
Silence  
  
"Answer me damn it!"  
  
"No sir. Just do what ever the fuck you want. You always do anyway."  
  
"It's good business to take advantage of every opportunity presented to you. That is one thing you never understood, son."  
  
"So I'm just an opportunity to you?"  
  
"I'm surprised at you! You know I love you, Lex." Lionel kissed the back of is son's neck. "I'm just trying to teach you that I am stronger than you are. I'm keeping you in check, son. Keeping you under control. Sometimes I worry you are becoming too independent."  
  
"Funny, I always thought that was a good thing. Don't you want me to be my own person?"  
  
"Of course I do." Lionel undid the back of Lex's gown and pulled his boxers to his ankles. "But you get these ideas that you can do whatever you want. People talk Lex. And they can't be saying bad things about you. Trust me; I'm doing you a favor."  
  
"I'm sorry I disappointed you father." Lex spat. Lionel unzipped his trousers. When a pair of pants costs more than $300 they are called trousers. Lionel Luthor already had a ragging hard-on. He slammed it into Lex's ass. The teen shuddered but made no noise. "Good boy," Lionel whispered over and over as he fucked his son.  
  
Once he finished the deed, he slapped the boy across the face once more. "Don't ever do anything like this again!" Lex's father left him. Shortly after a nurse came in and gave him a large dose of an IV psychiatric medication known as Thorazine. Lx drifted off into his own world. Everything melted away, like sugar dissolving into tea. _________________________________________________________________  
  
Lionel Luthor stood outside the hospital room this time, looking in at his dying son. Clark Kent had banned him from entering. He supposed it was his own fault for the way he had treated both boys in their younger age. Poor Lex, he thought. The boy had suffered so much, mostly because of stupid mistakes, in his life. He wanted to comfort them, wanted to help. Lex was going to die, he could see it, could tell. It had been the same with Lillian, towards the end. Lex hadn't expected her to die; he had always believed his mover would recover.  
  
Lionel was sure Clark felt the same way. The farm boy stepped up to leave the room. Lex grabbed weakly at his arm. Lionel could see there were tars in both men's eyes. Luthor had learned to read lips, it was a good skill to know, he took advantage of it and read Lex and Clarks lips.  
  
"It's okay, baby. I'll be right back. I just need to use the bathroom." But Lionel knew Clark Kent was lying. In his prime Lex would too. Kent was coming out to talk to Lionel. He would tell Luthor to leave. He wouldn't even give the man a chance to hug his son one more time.  
  
"He's my son, dammnit. Let me see him. Let me say goodbye. Please. I don't beg often, ever, but I am now."  
  
"No. You tortured him his whole life. Why should I think now will be any different:  
  
"All I want is to say goodbye to my son. I love him"  
  
"GO to hell." Clark turned around and re-entered Lex's hospital room. The dying man's eyes lit up. Lionel left. He was blinking back tears for the first time since he lost his wife.  
  
Lionel Luthor was not inviting to his son's funeral. He was, however, sent a letter from Clark Kent. It gave him the name of the cemetery where Lex would be buried and the location of the grave. "You `a come and see him after the funeral." Clark had added the day and time of the service as well.  
  
"You sick, selfish bastard." Lionel muttered to himself as he tossed the letter into the shred. Actually, tossed is not the right word. Hammered, is more like it. And hammered is the exact right word to describe Lionel Luthor at eleven o clock in the morning on the day of Lex's funeral. It had all started with a single four fingered measure of double malt twelve- year-old scotch. Chiva's of course. Not that Lionel would drink anything less, mind you. Nothing but the best for Mr. Luthor.  
  
The last of his kind. Lionel supposed he could father another son, easily enough. Men older than he did it all the time. David Letterman. Paul McCartney. But of course Lionel didn't feel like putting forth the effort. He'd have to find the exact right woman. E couldn't mix the Luthor genes with any common slut. There had been plenty of women since Lillian's death, and Lex (he thought solemnly), but he had never been serious about a single one of them. They understood that all he wanted from them rested between their legs, and that they were not to speak during sex. Lillian had been brilliant, stunning, beautiful, and talented at everything she tried. And Lionel had known after her death that she would be impossible to replace so he hadn't tried.  
  
He didn't think his wife was perfect; a mistake many widowers made Lillian had coddled Lex as an infant. He had been soft, and weak as a child. Then Julian was born. Lex had come three months prematurely, equipped with allergies and asthma; At least he had them until the meteor shower. Julian however was prefect and then Lex had managed, as usual, to fuck that up.  
  
Lionel knew he couldn't blame Lex just because he was the one to find the dead infant, but still. . . Not that any of it mattered now. Both his sons and his wife were all dead. And he was extremely drunk. Lionel Luthor made up his mind. He was going to the cemetery. He could be there before noon. The services were set t o start at 1:00. Lionel smiled, and then began to laugh. He called for his chuffer. Oddly enough the man had a name identical to that of Clark Kent's father.  
  
"Jonathan?"  
  
"Yes, Mr. Luthor?"  
  
"I'd like to attend my son's funeral." Lionel gave Jonathan the address of the cemetery.  
  
"Yes, sir." The younger man replied softly. E knew that the elder Luthor had been forbidden to attend the services, but he knew better than to talk back to the boss.  
  
"The element of surprise is the greatest business tool." Luthor, though drunk, didn't even slur. "Did you know that?"  
  
"No, sir."  
  
"Well, I'm sure Clark Kent will be surprised. Don't you think?"  
  
"Yes, Sir." Lionel entered the limo with minimal assistance.  
  
"Yes, I think he shall be very surprised indeed. 


	12. father and son

"Show me." Spike had said when Clark Kent had told him about his supernatural abilities. Clark shook his head. "What the fuck do you mean no?"  
  
"I mean not here, not in the apartment. It's not safe, you know, man? Somebody might see, you know? If I like run at 60 miles an hour in Metropolis somebody, well you get the idea."  
  
"But what about other stuff?" Clark listened carefully. He heard the couple in the next apartment whispering. The woman had just miscarried her child. Clark shuddered. "What is it baby?"  
  
"Our neighbor. She just had a miscarriage."  
  
"How do I know you're not making that up—"Clark turned away. "Sorry. I should know you better."  
  
"It's not that."  
  
"Then what, baby?" Spike wrapped his arms around Clark tightly. He sat down on the sofa and started to rock back and forth  
  
"Lex, well his dad. When Lex died I didn't want his dad at the funeral."  
  
"That makes sense." Spike kissed Clarks head.  
  
"He got drunk and showed up." Clark started to sob. "It was horrible. He started to . . . to talk about Lex and he said such horrible things. He hurt me so much that day. All I wanted was to bury Lex in peace. I wanted to—to—oh God."  
  
"It's okay baby; he's not in your life any more. He can't ever hurt you ever again."  
  
"I don't give a shit what he does to me. I don't care what he did. Well no that's not true 'because he knew about my powers, sort of and he was like investigating me for the longest time. But now I'm pretty sure he isn't known what's going on." Clark said quickly, afraid Spike would want to leave if he thought he might be in danger.  
  
"How could he get away with shit like that?" Clark shot him an angry look. "Fucking Luthor's."  
  
"NO! Don't you ever say that. Don't you ever, ever, ever say that. Lionel is a total bastard. But Lex was a good guy. He loved me. He took care of me. I'd be dead if wasn't for him. He fed me and let me live in his house and. . .and. . ."  
  
"Shhh. Baby, it's okay." Spike stroked Clark's hair, gently. He kissed the farm boy over and over. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Shhh." Clark looked up. "Wanna meet my parents?"  
  
The doorbell rang on at the Kent farm and Martha answered it. She saw her son and a strange looking young man. She knew that Clark was gay, after all he and Lex Luthor had all but gotten married, but it still shocked her.  
  
"Clark, who's your friend?"  
  
"I'm sorry. Mom, this is Spike, well his name is really Ralph but he doesn't like that so please call him Spike. He and I met at a comic convention. I was trying to get this comic book Lex really wanted and he wanted it too. And um well things kinda took off from there," the farm boy smiled. Martha was glad to see it. He hadn't been doing well since Lex's death, and she had been concerned he would never recover.  
  
"Well, why don't you two come in?"  
  
"It's nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Kent. I've heard all about you from Clark." Spike smiled charmingly. Clark giggled. "Something funny, kiddo?"  
  
"You just reminded me of Lex then, is all. The whole charming the parent's routine. My mom's gonna like anyone that makes me happy."  
  
"Doesn't mean I should act rude. I happen to *like* being charming. Say where's your dad at??"  
  
"Probably working."  
  
"He's out in the barn, the tractor's been acting up again."  
  
"I'll go help him. Wanna come along and watch?"  
  
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Clark?" Martha sounded worried.  
  
"He knows, Mom. I told him a few days ago. I thought since I was coming home this weekend he should know. And, like I didn't wanna start off on the wrong foot."  
  
"Clark, can I talk to you privately?" Martha took her son into the dining room. "Are you sure that was such a smart idea, I mean. . .'  
  
"I know what you mean, Mom. Spike and I have known each other for months. I'm a good judge of character, remember? I knew when Lex could be trusted with my secret and I knew when Spike could."  
  
"It's just that your father and I worry about you, Clark. We don't want you to wind up in some laboratory or something."  
  
"I know. That's why I don't tell people unless I know they can be trusted. And I've only ever told, Pete, Lex, and Spike. It's not like I go around Metropolis shouting out that I'm an alien or something."  
  
"I know that, Clark."  
  
"It's just that, Dad's gonna flip, right?" Martha nodded. "Well, he flipped when I told him about Lex, and then again when I decided to let Lex in on the big secret, so I'm kinda used to it now."  
  
"We love you, and we just want to see you happy. Safe."  
  
"I know. I'm gonna go help Dad with the tractor."  
  
"Make sure you three are back in time for lunch, it'll be ready in an hour." Martha said sternly. There were only a few things she ever got strict about, meals were one of them.  
  
"Hi Dad, I'm home and um this is Spike. He's my um he's my um--.  
  
"Relax, Clark, I know how hard the father thing is. I'll tell him. Clark and I are dating. I hope that's okay."  
  
"That depends."  
  
"Dad," Clark moaned. "I was lucky to even have Lex want to talk to me after you did this to him. Don't do it to Spike too."  
  
"No, I understand, Clark. Your dad wants to make sure I'm not going to break your heart or worse. Especially in your situation."  
  
"You told him, Clark?"  
  
"I know what you're thinking, Dad. But it's okay, you know, Spike's a good guy. Remember, I was right about Lex, I'm right about Spike. Please trust me, trust him." Spike hugged Clark and kissed his temple. Clark felt better, even though he knew his dad wasn't going to warm up to Spike right away. It wasn't until about the time Lex got sick that Jonathan warmed up to him. "He doesn't have to get cancer in order for you to trust him does he?"  
  
"Clark," both Spike and Jonathan shouted at the same time. Spike squeezed his lover tightly and Jonathan just stared at the two of them.  
  
"Look, maybe I should go. You be here, with your parents. I'll see you when you come back to Metropolis."  
  
"You don't need to leave," Jonathan said stepping away from the tractor. He wiped his hands on an old rag, and put it out for the young man to shake. "I'm Jonathan Kent. Nice to meet you."  
  
"Hi, I'm Spike. I'm helping Clark get his job at the Daily Planet back. I think that will be good for him. He's a really talented journalist and I think he ought to be able to put it to good use." Spike tickled the farm boy gently. Jonathan looked at them cautiously.  
  
"What do you do?"  
  
"I was a stock broker for a while, but I'm retired now. I write some short stories but I've never had anything published."  
  
"I see. So you're another one of those---"  
  
"DAD! I don't see why you have such a problem with the fact that Spike has money. It means he can take care of me. And it's not like with Lex who was born rich, he had to work."  
  
"How old were you when you retired?" Jonathan asked, not really trusting that Spike had worked all that hard in his life.  
  
"Thirty."  
  
"And now you're?"  
  
"Thirty-three."  
  
"You do know that Clark is quite a bit younger than you?"  
  
"Not that much," Spike admitted. "There is less of an age difference between me and Clark, and then there was between him and Lex. Right?"  
  
"I never liked, Lex Luthor." Jonathan admitted. Clark looked hurt. "I'm sorry son, but it's the truth. I know the two of you were really close. . ."  
  
"No, Dad," Clark shouted. Speaking loudly, wasn't a power Clark had, but when angry he could still be pretty damn loud. "We weren't 'close' we were in love. We were madly and completely in love, and I can't believe you never got that. More importantly, I love Spike, and he loves me. And if you can't understand that, then I'm going to leave. I'm gonna go to Metropolis and never, ever, come back here."  
  
"Stop this right now, both of you!" Spike grabbed Clark by his arm and twisted him around. In any ordinary situation, this wouldn't have worked, but the boy was taken by surprise. Spike pinned him up against a beam. "You and you father need to get this thing worked out, whatever it is. Because if you walk out of here pissed off at him, then you're never going to forgive yourself."  
  
"How the hell would you know anything about it?" Clark asked angrily, pulling himself free.  
  
"My father and I got into a big argument when I came out to him. We stopped speaking and the next time I saw him was at his funeral last year. Alright. So I can't help it if I don't want the same thing to happen to you. I love you, Clark. But I'm not going to stand around and let you and your father ruin your relationship."  
  
"Yeah well, it's not my fault, or anything. I mean, he. . ."  
  
'You both need to talk. I'm going to help your mom with lunch. Don't come in, until you have things worked out!" Spike pushed Clark and his father towards each other and forced them to hug. Then he walked out of the barn.  
  
"So, um, I, uh guess that this, uh. Look, Dad, I'm sorry I yelled before. But, what you said really hurt me. And, well . . . the truth is Lex and I really loved each other, and it hurts that you couldn't see that, Dad. It hurts a lot."  
  
"I'm sorry, Son." Jonathan, hugged the boy tightly, and Clark hugged back. He patted his father on the back. "Lex Luthor did a lot of things in his life that nobody would be proud of, and yes, all those things were before you got together, but he still did them."  
  
"But Dad."  
  
"Don't but, Dad, me. Listen. And then you'll get your chance to talk, okay?"  
  
"Fine," Clark sulked.  
  
"I was hoping you'd be through that stage already. And yes, Lex did a lot of good things in his life too, but I worried about you the whole time you and Lex were together. And when he died, I was, well . . . i was glad. I wasn't happy that you were hurting so much, but he was out of your life and that was, well, it meant you were farther away from Lionel Luthor, and that your secret was safe again." Clark opened his mouth, about to interrupt.  
  
"Remember, Clark, you're going to let me finish?" The boy only nodded. "But I guess what you do, is up to you. I just want you to know that I love you, and I worry about you. And I'm sure that Spike is a great person, and maybe you two do love each other, but that doesn't mean that every person you ever meet and like should get find out your secret. Metropolis is a big city, Clark. And it's a big world. And not everyone is going to keep a secret like that. Not everyone is worthy of your trust."  
  
"No, they aren't. But Lex was. And so is Spike." "It's just so hard to for me to trust someone I've just met."  
  
"I didn't just meet Spike, Dad. I've known him for long time. And it was really hard for me to decide to tell him, but I did, and he didn't leave me, or put me in some kind of lab. He still loves me. That's how I know I made the right choice. So, do you trust my judgment, or what?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess I do, and Clark, I'm sorry for how I acted before."  
  
"Me too, Dad. Me too." From the barn door, Spike smiled. He turned and walked towards the farm house, whistling softly. Everything was going to be fine between Clark, and his father, and that was what he wanted. 


	13. lovehate

". . .I love you . . . I hate you. . . I just can't live without you. . ." I don't know who wrote this, but I thought it was great for this chapter so :-P, no credit will be given here. If some reviews and tells me, then I can post the artists name in my next chapter.   
  


* * *

  
Clark Kent leaned over the casket to say one last good bye, to his lover, Lex Luthor. Lex looked beautiful, but not at all like himself. He looked cheep. There was no way in hell that Luthor would ever wear lipstick, let alone something that differed from his skin so much. Clark used the sleave of his shirt to wipe the make up off of Lex's Lips. He began to sob helplessly, when he noticed that the area all around the dead mans mouth was completely blue. The young boy leaned over the body, his own frame being racked with sobs. His parents helped to pull him away from the casket and towards the door. The funeral service was heading outside to burry, Lex.  
  
There, standing at the grave to be, was Lionel Luthor, the last person that Clark wanted to see in the whole world. Clark Kent was furious. He had spesificly forbid Lionel from coming here at this time. He had told him not to, and the bastard had gone ahead and done it anyway. The boy started after him. Jonathan Kent grabbed his shoulder.  
  
"Clark, don't go over ther. Let me talk to him. I'll make him leave," John started to roll up his sleaves.  
  
"Jonathan, your heart!"  
  
"It's fine, Dad. I can handle it."  
  
"My heart," Jonathan muttered as Clark marched up to Lionel, "what about his heart?"  
  
"Lionel Luthor's even being here, is not going to be any worse for him than speaking to the the---"  
  
"I think I know a few words for him."  
  
"Please relax, you're making everyone else nervous." Jonathan looked around. The funeral wasn't all that populated. A few of Clark's friends had shown up, other members of Lex's family, some people from work, and the Kents. And then of course there wass Lionel Luthor. In truth, it was rather pathetic. Not that Lex Luthor ever had that many friends. Even in school he had trouble with that.  
  
Lionel couldn't believe he was being forced to take his five-year-old child to kindergarten, but Lillian had insisted. And whatever she wanted, Lillian Luthor got. Mrs. Luthor was holding her little boy's hand and smiling as if she had just won the lottery. Although winning the lottery would mean aboslutly nothing to the Luthor family. They didn't even buy tickets.  
  
But the important part of the story, was that little Lex was terrified. He was practicly shaking as the three of them walked down the hall.  
  
:Lillian, can I talk to Lex alone for a second?"  
  
"Sure, darling." Lillian willingly handed her son over to the man who Lex considered to be a monster, having no idea of how much he scared the child.  
  
"Listen to me Lex, this is very important. You can not be scared here. You're a Luthor, you can't afford to be afraid. Do you understand me?" Lex nodded softly "Say it, Lex. Tell me that you aren't scared."  
  
"I'm not scared, Daddy." As little Lex said this his voice quaked and his body shook uncontroably. Lionel slapped him across the fae, after making sure Lillian wasn't looking. Then he pulled the boy close to him, bent down and kissed him. This was not a fatherly to son type kiss. Lionel forced Lex's mouth open and pushed his tongue inside. Lex considered biting him, but he had tried that once and the result had been a broken jaw.  
  
Lionel explained that they had been playing catch with a heavy baseball and that the boy was just clumsy. Nobody suspected a thing, and even if they did, Lionel Luthor was not a man you tried to prosecute. He had money and power, and was the the strongest man in Metropolis. Lex had to drink all his food pureed in the blender. Lex loved the time even though it hurt like nothing he had ever experienced, it was even worse than being raped. However, it meant that Lionel could not stick his cock in the boys mouth.  
  
"That's my good boy," Lionel said and pressed his errection against Lex's tiny frame.  
  
"Daddy, please no, not here. Someone might see." Lex begged. He began to sob.  
  
"Stop that!" Luthor's cannot cry. You are not allowed. Lex ran over to his mother and grabbed onto her leg. Lionel was furious, he wanted to beat the snot out of the little boy, but he couldn't do it in front of his wife. He take care of the boy tonight. Lex was going to suffer greatly.  
  
"Mommy, I forgot my inhaler at home," Lex lied. "We have to go back and get it."  
  
"Alexander Joseph Luthor, what have we taught you about lying. Sweetie, I know it's in your pocket, I can see it. What's wrong? Are you afraid to go here?"  
  
"Yes mommy. I don't wanna go in. What if the other kids are mean? What if they don't like me?"  
  
"Baby, I can't imagine anyone not liking you. You are such a sweet little boy." Lillian ran her hand through Lex's soft red curls. He was such a beautiful young boy, and she knew he would grow into a handsome man.  
  
"But—"  
  
"No, buts Lex, you're going in NOW." Lionel did not shout the last word, he just put a large amount emphasis on it. Lex was wearing a pair of tailored trousers, and a button down light purple shirt. He looked like a tiny business man. Lillian wanted to dress him in adorable childern's clothes, but Lionel insisted on the tailored outfits.  
  
"Lionel, be easy on him, he's just a little boy."  
  
"And he'll never grow up if you keep coddeling him."  
  
"We'll talk about this later." Lillian gave her husband a stern look. Then she took Lex's hand, and led him into the classroom. Lionel followed slowly behind them. The teacher Mrs. Geneal came over to the family and smiled.  
  
"Hello there, I'm Mrs. Geneal. And you must be Lex Luthor, right?" The little redhead nodded. He did not let go of his mothers hand."  
  
"Would you like to come and meet the other children? We are introducing ourselves." Lex looked up at his mom and she nodded. He took Mrs. Geneal's hand and followed her to the square of carpet where the other children were sitting.  
  
"Why are you wearing such stupid clothes?" One boy asked. Everyone, except for Mrs, Geneal laughed.  
  
"Randy, that was not nice. Aplogize to Lex."  
  
"Lex? What kind of a name is that?"  
  
"It's short for Alexander." Lex said nervously.  
  
"Then why don't you go by Alexander or Alex? Lex is stupid."  
  
"Randy!" Mrs. Geneal grabbed the boy's arm and pulled him up, gently. She took him over to the corner and told him to sit there for ten minutes. He was in what she called a time out.  
  
"I'm sorry about that, Lex." The teacher said. The boy nodded, blinking back tears. He didn't say word all day unless the teacher forced him to. When his mother and father came to pick him up, he grabbed onto his mom's leg, attaching himself to her knee.  
  
"How was school today, sweetheart?" Lillian picked the boy up and held him in her arms. He was very short and light, she knew she would be able to do this for at least another year. Lillian ran her fingers through his hair, and rubbed his back.  
  
"This boy named Randy said my clothes and my name were stupid. I'm not stupid mommy, am i?"  
  
"No, sweetie, of course not Remember when that lady asked you all those questions and had you do those puzzles." Lex only nodded, he didn't feel like talking, even though they were walking to the car. "She was testing you to see how smart you are, and you are very, very smart." Lillian put Lex into the back seat.  
  
"Mommy, do I have to go back there, tommrow?" Lillian looked heart broken. She did't know what to say. The boy was almost in tears.  
  
Please don't cry baby, she thought to herself, but dared not to say allowed. She knew that Lionel expected far too much from the five-year- old, but also knew there was nothing she could do.  
  
Lex was such a sweet little boy. All she wanted to do was protect him. Lillian was home all day anyway. She could home school him. Lillian wanted more than anything to protect her son, but she knew he'd have to fce the 'real' world at some point in time. She also knew that they had paid a lot of money to get their little boy into this school; it was privte kindergarten, but all the kids were dressed in middle class outfits. She wished once again that she could put Lex in regular clothes. She hated that he had been teased, espeshally for such stupid stuff.  
  
"Yes, sweetheart. You have to go to school; it's very important."  
  
"But if I'm so smart, then why can't I I be in a different class, one for smart kids."  
  
"Because there isn't one."   
  


* * *

  
Lionel pulled himself out of the fantasy as Clark Kent approached him, even though he wanted to see more. He wanted to remember that night: with Lex, the tears, the begging, all that power, all that strength. But the Kent boy needed to be taken care of.  
  
"Clark, how nice to see you. I thought I'd come here today. There are a few things I wanted to say about Lex. I want people to hear what I have to say." Clark could smell the scotch on his breath.  
  
God, how drunk is he? He isn't slurring or anything, but he probably learned to hide those things, Clark thought. Shit, I don't think I can make him leave if he doesn't get what he wants. I won't be able to unless I use my powers. I can't do that. Not here.  
  
"Alright, but you have to keep it short. And then you have to leave. Right after."  
  
"I want to see my son."  
  
"No. He told me what you did to him. He died without you around, he died happy. I want him to be safe, even now. I won't let you near him." Lionel Luthor slapped Clark across the face. The boy looked shocked, even though it didn't hurt.  
  
"He's my son! Let me see him!"  
  
"NO! And I won't talk to you about this anymore." Clark walked away. He started to sob, his body bent over, racking with each cry. Jonathan and Martha Kent, held their son and Clark's mother kissed him very gently.  
  
"What's he doing here?" His father asked.  
  
"He wants to give a eulegy. I told him that he could, but that it had to be short, and he had to leave right afterwards. He said he would do it."  
  
"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Clark shrugged.  
  
"I dunno, but he wasn't gonna leave unless I let him. He wanted to see the body, but I wouldn't let him. Dad?"  
  
"Yes, son?" Jonathan looked cautiously at his son, continuing to hug him.  
  
"Why does shit like this always happen to Lex? It's not fair. First his dad hurt him so many times, then he got sick and—" Clark couldn't finish, he was crying to hard. His father patted him on the back.  
  
"Take it easy, Son. This is pretty bad, but things could be a whole lot worse."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Lex could have done something to hurt you when you told him your secret."  
  
"Damnit dad why couldn't you trust him? Lex was a great guy and he loved me. And I loved him."  
  
Lionel Luthor smiled inwardly. A weaker man would be laughingly insanely at this point, but Lionel Luthor wasn't weak. He was the strongest man in Metropolis, Smallville, and maybe even the country, or the world. But that wasn't important, all he needed to do was let everyone know what was on his mind. He walked over to the grave, where everyone was standing. Clark had just finished giving his eulegy. Everybody was clapping.  
  
Clapping for that little weakingly. Lionel wanted to spit. These people were morons. How could they not see Lex and all his stupidity, weakness, and everything else.  
  
"Okay, Sir." Clark said with aboslutly no respect when he said the word sir. Lionel Luthor cleared his voice.  
  
"Lex was born three months prematurely. He was tiny, and weak. That was the way he spent most of his life. As a small child, my wife, Lillian, coddeeled him. She allowed him to breastfeed for far too long. Lillian let little Lex have teady bears long past the age when he should have, gave him dolls to play with, all those types of things. Can you imagine? A little boy playing with DOLLS? When he was three he taught himself to read, I should have been proud, but it was only an excuse to stay inside so he wouldn't have to play with other children.  
  
"Lex's asmatha was so bad that we had to have a full time nurse come in and stay with us, she was the only one who could give him the nebulizer, and the shots to make him better. My son never played with children his own age. We tried everything, play groups, taking him to the park, you name it. But he always found a way to be alone. When he got older, and after Lillian died," There were tears in the old man's eyes, but not because he loved his son. He was crying, to convince everyone that he did.  
  
"After the meteor shower, he became a bald freak, but the asmatha went away. I figured this would make him go out and try to make friends, but of course it made no differeance. Lex was afraid people wouldn't want to talk to him because of his looks. And he was right, his whole life people treated him unfairly because he was bald. And Lex let it get to him. He became insecure. And he was weak.  
  
"When Lillian died. . . Lex lost it. He ran away, and started to do things, bad things. He took drugs, herion, cocain, xtc, you name it. He drank too much, gamboled, stole, and" Lionel sighed, taking a deep breath. Everyone was staring with their jaws dropped. The Kent boy charged at him and knocked him ot the ground. Lionel landed in the mud. His suite was ruined. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"  
  
"Get out of here. NOW!" Clark shouted. He wanted to murder Lionel, but then he'd have to explain to everrone. Besides, he didn't deserve to die quickly. He needed to suffer, the way he made Lex suffer, the way he made Clark sufer. Lionel stood up and left. Clark, stayed on the ground and curled up in a ball ; he began to weep, for his lost love, and for the way that Lionel had behaved. Martha and Jonathan came over to help his son. "I hate him! I hate him so much, why did he have to do this to me? Why did he have to do it to Lex? 


	14. beginings

"Lex?" The boy woke up screaming in the middle of the night. His soft skin was pressed against his lover's body, they were both naked, but the man lying next to him, was not Lex Luthor. Spike ran his hands up and down Clark's back, soothing him the best his could. Clark was breathing in short, rough gasps. Spike used his hands to massage Clark's rib cage. The farm boy calmed down enough to look around and realize where and when he was.  
  
"You alright, Clark?" Spike kissed his lover on the cheek. He knew that now was not the time to try and treat Clark sexually. The boy would go along with it, but he wouldn't be able to trust Spike again afterwards. It would be like a rape. So Spike just held onto Clark, helping him relax, and make it so the boy could get back to sleep.  
  
""What do you think?" Clark's body was covered in sweat. He was still panting, and the tears on his cheeks had barely dried. His face was still red and streaked. Spike decided not to answer the question.  
  
"Is there anything I can do?" Clark shook his head. "I love you baby, I want you to know that."  
  
"I love you too, Spike."  
  
"But you still miss Lex?" Spike tried not to feel insecure, but it was difficult. All Clark ever did was talk an think about Lex Luthor. The boy and the older man had been madly in love, so it wasn't all that surprising that Clark missed his lover so much. But, it had been years, and yet he had not recovered.  
  
The therapy was helping, but Spike wished it would work more quickly. All Spike wanted was to be Clark's one and only love. He didn't want the boy to forget about Lex or anything, but he wanted to be number one in his heart, at least for now.  
  
"I just—I dunno. It's hard, Spike. I want to be with him, but I'm not gonna, you know. . .."  
  
"Are you taking the medicine that Rachel prescribed for you?" Clark laughed. "Look, even though you aren't human, it might help. It couldn't hurt right?"  
  
"Yeah sure and wearing a giant chunk of Kryptonite around my neck wouldn't hurt either."  
  
"This is nothing like that, Clark, you have to try everything that might help you. You aren't getting better. I hate seeing you in this much pain."  
  
"But nothing can hurt me."  
  
"Except your heart." Spike traced his finger down Clark Kent's jaw. "I love you, so much, and I hate seeing you like this. I want the nightmares to go away, forever. I mean, I know that no matter what, you'll always have some, but you're having them EVERY night,"  
  
"I know. I don't like it either, but what can I do? I—um you—Lex was so, he loved me so much, and I loved him. He took such good care of me and when he got sick I just knew that I was gonna loose him. I had to pretend I thought he was going to be alright, that things were gonna be okay again. I had to keep Lionel away from him; I—I" Clark looked over at Spike and saw the tears in his eyes. "Sorry. I'll stop now."  
  
"No, I wanna hear everything you have to say. I want you to talk to me, let me know what you're feeling. Tell me what hurts, what doesn't, what you like, what you don't. Tell me about Lex, and you, what you guys did, how you helped him when he was sick, what he did for you before that."  
  
"So basically, you want me to spill my guts?"  
  
"Yeah, baby. That's what I want. I think it will help. If you're talking to me and to Rachel, then I think you'll finally be alright."  
  
"Maybe depression is a lot worse for Kryptonian's" Spike nodded, he could seep that, with out even being told.  
  
"Maybe it has something to do with your brain chemistry."  
  
"If only we could get a doctor or something to look at it without having to worry about what they might do."  
  
"Do you trust Rachel?"  
  
"Spike, what you are saying. You want me to tell Rachel that, that I'm an alien?" Clark stuttered. That was always his biggest problem when he was upset. He could not speak at all.  
  
"Listen, we should talk to your parents about this. We'll figure it out, and then decide what we should do. But she can't help you if she doesn't know everything about you. If I went to the hospital and I was having stomach cramps and headaches, and I only told them about the stomach problem, how could they help me with everything?"  
  
"This is completely different, "Clark shouted. He chewed on his lip.  
  
"Don't do that baby, you could hurt yourself. Don't give me that look, you can hurt yourself, you're teeth are very strong. And I love your lips; they are so soft and sweet."  
  
"So what do you want first?" Clark snuggled into his lovers arms.  
  
"Tell me about you and Lex. This weekend we'll go over to your parents house a talk about the Rachel thing."  
  
"Lex, I'm not so sure that this is, *mm yes that's it, right there*, wait, Lex. . . Stop, *Ohhh.*"  
  
"Do you really want me to stop, kiddo?" Clark shrugged. The truth was that he didn't know what he wanted. He was just afraid to admit it. "Look, Clark, I'm not going to hurt you. Ever. And I think that—"Lex pointed to Clark's hard on—"is a sure sign that you don't want me to stop doing this."  
  
"But it isn't right." Clark insisted, scooting away. "What will people say? What'll happen, if everyone finds out about us? I mean this isn't like Metropolis. Smallville, everyone knows everybody else here. If one person finds out about us, the whole fucking world will know." Lex kissed Clark on the lips, and then pushed his tongue against the boy, he really was a boy now (only 15-years-old) lips.  
  
"It's okay baby. I'm not going to hurt you, okay?"  
  
"How do I know that?' Clark tried to scoot away once again. Lex let go of him. The afternoon had started off simple enough; Clark had come over to play pool. They had wound up in Lex's guest bedroom, because Clark said he felt tired. Lex had kissed him once, on the cheek. An experiment of sorts.  
  
Clark had gone along with it. He had kissed back, and even allowed Lex to get to "first base," as it was called in high school. When Lex had put his hands in the boy's lap that was when all the trouble started.  
  
"I won't hurt you, Clark. You can believe that, because I was. . . Because I won't lie to you Clark. Friends don't lie to each other," Lex paused for a moment, giving Clark a chance to let everything sink in. Then he added, 'ever."  
  
"I don't think I'm ready, Lex. I'm not sure I *yesss* want this." Clark's eyes were filled with fear, and love at the same time. He was scared, but he didn't want it to stop. He wanted to tell Lex everything about himself, but he knew he couldn't. He wanted to share that secret of his. All that he wanted was to be rid of it. If everyone knew the truth about him, then he wouldn't have all the stress of keeping such a heavy secret.  
  
"Look, Clark. We're both hard; we should let that go to waist now, should we?" Clark shook his head. Lex bent down and wrapped his lips around Clark's throbbing root. His member was gigantic, bigger than anything Lex had ever seen, and Lex had seen a lot. All those nights in all those dark clubs. Getting blown in bathrooms, and the back rooms of bars. So dark, it was always so dark.  
  
Lex had opened the curtains so that all the light came in. He had every lamp in the room on. No more darkness, no more Lionel, no more monsters. Ever. Clark was good. He could trust Clark. He could love the poor farm boy.  
  
"Lex, what's wrong? You're shaking. And, there, there are tears in your eyes."  
  
"Look, Clark, I can't do this." He sat up, chocking back the sobs. He couldn't help it. Even in the light, it was too much, too similar to his childhood. It was too much like what Lionel had made him do.  
  
Such a small boy.  
  
So soft, so beautiful.  
  
"Daddy, stop it, that hurts."  
  
"Shhh, be a good boy Lex.  
  
Just lie still, and relax  
  
Everything is going to be just fine,  
  
Stop that  
  
No tears. You're a Luthor,  
  
Remember?"  
  
I don't want to be a Luthor.  
  
God, I'd give anything, to be someone else.  
  
"Lex, what's wrong?"  
  
"I can't. I just can't tell you." Lex ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. When Clark came in he found the older man laying on the cold tiles, a trail of vomit dribbling down his chin.  
  
"Lex?" The older man made a response somewhere between a sob and a grunt. He mad no effort to get up. So, Clark ran a warm (but not too hot) bath, and helped Lex into it. Clark stayed on the outside, scrubbing the bald man's body gently. He was careful, and soft. Lex closed his eyes and imagined himself, three-years-old, Lillian bathing him once again.  
  
"Mommy," Lex whimpered. "Mommy, I gotta tell you something. Daddy made me promise, but I gotta say it."  
  
"Lex?" Clark gently stroked the man's scalp with a soft washcloth. "You're gonna be alright, baby."  
  
"Mommy." Lex sniffled.  
  
"Shhh, it's alright now, I'm here." Lex opened his eyes and started at Clark.  
  
"Clark. What happened?"  
  
"You went off for a little while, but everything's okay now. I'm here, and I'm gonna protect you."  
  
"Listen, Clark. There's something I need to tell you. But not here. Help me out of the tub. We'll go to my room, and talk. Okay?" Clark helped Lex out of the tub, and helped him dry off. Lex fought him the whole way of course, but Clark got him into the pajamas. He put Lex to bed, and then sat next to him. The older man clung onto his frame.  
  
"It's okay, Lex, I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. You're safe now." Lex nodded quietly, but his eyes said differently. Lex did not believe he was safe in Clark's arms, or anywhere else, not as long as his father was still alive.  
  
"I was pretty small as a little kid, weak, asthma, allergies, you know, all the stupid shit that made it impossible for me to be a normal kid. My father hated that. He didn't want me. He hated me."  
  
"Oh, Lex, I'm sure that isn't"  
  
"Yes, Clark. He hated me. He hated what I was, which was weak, and Luthor's aren't supposed to be weak. We don't have that, Luxury. That is what he always used to say to me. Shit like that. On the day that I lost my hair, he took me up in this stupid helicopter, even though he knew I was terrified. He wanted me to, he thought it would cure my fears, but it didn't work." Lex told Clark the whole horrible story about the helicopter incident.  
  
"God, that's horrible. I'm so sorry, baby." Clark hugged Lex tightly to his chest. "I won't let anything like that to you, ever. You can trust me, okay?"  
  
"I don't, I never. Listen, Clark. I've never trusted anyone before, not in my whole life. I know how horrible that sounds, but you don't understand what it's like. I've got this secret. And if I ever tell anyone. . ." Lex shook his head.  
  
"I understand more than you'd ever believe."  
  
"Yeah right, you're just saying that to make me feel better."  
  
"Friends don't lie to each other. Remember?"  
  
"Okay, so if I tell you my secret, you'll tell me yours?" Clark took a deep breath in and sighed. What could he say? He was scared, but Lex was worse off. With everything that had been happening lately, how could Lex not be a mess? He had been holding all the shit of his life inside forever, and now he had cracked. Clark felt partially responsible, it had after all happened while Lex was sucking him off.  
  
"Alright, Lex. It's a deal." Lex closed his eyes. At first Clark thought he might have passed out, but then he began to speak.  
  
"This isn't an easy story to tell, Clark. But, here we go." Tears drizzled down the man's cheek, and he started his story. 


	15. secrets part one

Five-year-old Lex Luthor lay in bed staring at the sealing. His body was battered, bruised, and sore. He was bleeding, covered in sweat, and smelling slightly of semen and urine. He had just woken up from a nightmare, but he refused to get out of bed. He was too scared. There was a monster in the closet.  
  
If he took a step out of bed, then the monster would get him. The door would swing open and the giant monster would fling the door open and jump out. Then he would pin the tiny asthmatic child to the bed and do terrible things to him.  
  
Lex knew all about that. The thing in the closet looked just like his father; the exact same man, (monster) who had done the same terrible things to Lex that he feared the monster would. So Lex lay in his urine soaked sheets and tried to go back to sleep.  
  
But he was wet, and sticky. The tiny child sat up slowly. He leaned over and looked around his room. It was only thirty or so steps to the door. He had counted once, but had since forgotten. If he ran, maybe Lex could beat the monster, but he could only do that if he was dry, and if he had his inhaler.  
  
Stupid, shitty (a word he had learned from his father, but daddy had hurt him for saying, he had hurt him bad) inhaler. Lex hated having asthma. It made life hell, another word he learned from his dad, but dared not to say out loud, ever.  
  
In order to keep his mom and dad from finding out what he had done, he would have to pull the sheets and blanket off his bed, bring it down to the laundry room (down the dark steps into the DARK laundry room, lots of scary places) and wash the sheets and blanket. But Lex didn't know how to use the washing machine. He was, after all, just a little boy.  
  
The Luthor child climb out of bed and peeled off his wet pajamas. He dropped them into the hamper, except for the underpants, which were stained with blood. Lex tossed those into the garbage and covered it with several items. He could only hope that nobody would look inside the garbage that the maid would just throw it all away without taking a peek. Lex walked to the bathroom naked, sat down on the toilet, and started to sob.  
  
After the boy was finished, he cleaned himself off, stuffed a small wad of toilet paper into his anus, keeping the blood from staining anymore under pants. He also took a was of toilet paper along. Before pulling his under pants all the way up, he wrapped the bathroom tissue around his briefs, like a tampon. This was for when the toilet paper in his ass became soaked with blood.  
  
Once Lex changed into a new pair of P.J.s, he curled up in a tiny ball on the floor. Only, ball isn't the exact right word. Lex was laying in the fetal position, and sucking his thumb. He knew he wasn't supposed to that.  
Lionel had beaten him several times, after catching the boy with the digit between his lips. But, Lionel wasn't around, and Lex was scared out of his tiny little mind. That was how Lillian Luthor found her son at 9:00 am on Saturday morning.  
  
"Lex, sweetheart, baby," She pulled the boy into her arms. "What's the matter?" The room stank of urine, Lillian knew that he had wet the bed, he'd had a problem with that right after potty training, but he since then aged two, and there hadn't been any real problems. Like every other child he had an accident once in a while, but today was the first time in almost a year.  
  
"I had a bad dream," Lex lied. "A monster was gonna get me. He had," Lex looked up and saw Lionel in the doorway. "Big fangs and sharp claws." Lionel drew his breath in sharply.  
  
"Lex," he growled under his breath.  
  
"LIONEL. Can't you see that my baby is terrified? Let him be for once, just relaxed. Okay?" Lionel knew better than to argue with her.  
  
"I'll bring those sheets downstairs so the cleaning staff can take care of them.' Lillian rocked her son gently. As soon as her husband was gone, she kissed the boy on the cheek gently, using her finger to gently dry his tears. She ran her fingers through those beautiful red curls.  
  
"Mommy. I need to tell you something."  
  
"Yes sweetheart, what is it?"  
  
"Last night, daddy, hurt me."  
  
"I know, I saw at the table. I talked to him about it and he promised me he would never hit you again." Lex opened his mouth to protest, but his father (the monster) had returned. He was standing over the other two Luthor's. Lex's dad bent down on his knees and patted the boy on the back.  
  
"There, there, Lex. The nightmare's over now."  
  
"Yeah," Lex stood up. "I'm gonna get dressed now. Okay?'  
  
"Alright baby, we'll meet you downstairs for breakfast. We're eating in the dining room." Lex waited until his parents were gone and then curled back up in the fetal position. He knew he had at least ten minutes until they would come looking for him, so he could just lay there for a while. The previous night crept into his head.  
  
"Daddy?"  
  
"What are you doing up this late?"  
  
"I'm not up, I swear," Lex lied. He had been reading comics.  
  
"Don't lie to me you little shit." Lionel's fist slammed into the boy's face. Lex chocked back a sob. He knew crying would only get him into more trouble. "Now you are going to do exactly as I say, and everything will be fine, alright?" Lionel violently tossed the boy on his stomach.  
  
"Daddy, please stop, it hurts so bad." Lex begged, and he would keep begging, night after night, after night, after night, but he never stopped. Even when Lex was an adult and Lionel could no longer force himself upon the boy, he still found ways of controlling him, manipulating him, making Lex do exactly what he wanted. Once in a while the boy made foolish attempts to show his independence, but Lionel was always able to douse those fires before they got to be any thing big or dangerous. And that was how Lex lived his life, always. . .  
  
"Wow, Lex. That's really bad. I—I wanna kill him. I never really wanted to hurt anyone in my whole life, but I want him dead. And I don't want it to be something fast. I want him to suffer. I want him to hurt, like he made you hurt."  
  
"It's alright, Clark. That was a long time ago. I'm over that now. I'm fine really."  
  
"No you aren't, Lex, you're a fucking mess, and." Clark hardly felt the slap but he was surprised all the same. He grabbed Lex's hands in his and held onto them. "Don't do that, that's what he would do. Don't you see, he wanted to turn you into a clone and that's what he's done? Except that somewhere along the way a whole bunch of stuff got messed up and so now you are a wreak. I'll take care of you, Lex. I'll love you, and show you what a good relationship is really supposed to be like. But please, don't hit me, and don't leave me, and don't ever do to me what your dad did to you."  
  
"Okay, Clark. I'm sorry that I hit you, does it hurt much?" Clark shook his head.  
  
"Look, Lex, there's something I gotta tell you."  
  
"Yeah," Lex wiped a tear from his eye. "Stupid tears. I'm not supposed to cry. Luthor's don't ever cry."  
  
"Maybe you aren't really a Luthor. Maybe you were adopted, like me." Clark kissed the older man's cheeks. "Thanks, Clark. That really helps. I love you, Clark Kent."  
  
"I love you, Lex Luthor." He kissed him over and over, gently, not at all sexually. The last thing Lex needed was sexual confusion. The last the Clark wanted to do was hurt the man he loved.  
  
"So, your secret. Time for you to tell me, kiddo. And I think I've got some idea of what you are going to say."  
  
:"Yeah I suppose you do." Clark sighed and began his story. 


	16. The end

"Lex I—I'm—God this is hard." Clark sighed and ran his hand through his hair, roughly. Lex Luthor moved closer to his lover. "Just spit it out, Clark!" Lex shouted, grinding his teeth, Jesus, you're the first person I ever spilled my guts to about my father and you're telling me that it's too hard? Fuck you Clark Kent!" "Lex," Clark whimpered. // My father is going to kill me. // "I'm an alien." "What, like from another country?" "No, Lex, from outer space. I came here in a spaceship sent by my real parents because our planet, krypton, was about to explode." "I don't know if I should be the shit out of you or believe all this. "Even if you do believe me you'll still want to beat me up. Every bad thing that's happened in your life is my fault." "Wait, you mean the meteor shower—oh Jesus." "I'm sorry Lex, I', so sorry." Clark turned to leave but Lex ran to stop him. "Wait, Kent, talk to me. Please. I'm not mad at you, I swear." Lex and Clark talked for hours each sharing their own personal histories to each other. "Lex, I think I'm read for us to, you know, go all the way." "I'm sorry, Clark, I was, but now, I don't know. I haven't had sex with someone I really cared about in a long time." "What about Helen?" Lex shuddered. "Why did you marry her then?" "I don't know," Lex lied. He knew the truth, and didn't want to admit he had been duped. "It's my father's fault, that I'm not ready." "Of course Lex, look, we can wait as long s you need." Clark took the older man into his arms. "Shit, man, look at me. I'm a wreak." Lex tried to pull free. "Let go of me, I need a drink." "That's the last thing you need. Look Lex, I don't know a lot about this stuff, but there are people who do. People who can help you." Clark took a deep look into Lex's eyes. //I've saved his life so many times but now there is nothing I can do. Damn it all! Damn Lionel Luthor; I wish I could kill him. I wish I could fix Lex.// These thoughts were aloud to last for a short moment while Lex took in what the farm boy had said. It took him while in his current condition to realize what he meant. "NO MORE FUCKING SHRINKS! HAVENT I HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THAT ALL READY?" "Did you ever really tell anyone how you feel?" "Of course not. I'd be dead if I told anyone about what my father did." "I wont let anyone hurt you. Not him, not anyone." Lex pulled himself free and poured himself a glass of scotch. He drank it all in one sip and then brought the bottle over to the sofa where he and Clark had been sitting. "How on earth did you did with something like that for so long?" Lex rolled up his sleeves and showed Clark his scars. "Oh baby." Clark kissed every white mark on the older mans arms. "I used to know this girl. She was my only friend in boarding school. She used to help me and stuff. I guess she was my first girlfriend. My only real girlfriend." "Maybe we could find her and she could help you out" "Maybe" Lex shrugged. There were tears forming in his eyes and he blinked them back. "Look Clark this isn't very easy to just open up about. I cant—he told me it was my fault, he said he'd hurt me if I ever told." "IT wasn't your fault Lex. You never could have done anything to make him treat you the way he does, not even including the rape thing. You had a really shitty life and it was his fault, not yours." Lex walked over to where the fire was burning and flung the bottle of scotch into it. It smashed against the back and the liquid leaked onto the flames. They glowed light blue and grew ten times in size, then shrunk back to normal.  
  
"Do you think I'm so stupid that I don't know that? Not everyone's a stupid hayseed dirt poor farm boy like you, Kent." "If you wanted me to leave you should have just said it. I'm sorry I wanted to help. IF you want to talk you know where I'll be. Clark raced out of the mansion and ran all the way to the Kent Farm. HE ran up into his loft and flung himself onto the swayback sofa. It won't until that moment that he allowed himself to cry.  
  
Unfortunately he had not scanned the barn before flinging himself onto the couch. Jonathan Kent was directly below him, working on the tractor. "Hey son, will you come down and give your old man a hand?" The elder Kent asked as he walked up the steps. "Clark?" "Dad? Lex and I had a fight." "Oh?" Jonathan tried to sound upset by the news but actually he was glad. The last t thing his family needed was Lex Luthor in their lives. "His father—never mind you wouldn't understand." "Try me." Jonathan sat next to his son on the sofa. He couldn't understand why but something inside of him wanted to help Lex and Clark's friendship. "I told Lex I thought he needed to talk to a professional about some problems he was having and got mad at me and I left. And we sort of." "What kind of problems is he having?" Jonathan was terrified that something might be going wrong again and that Lex could hurt Clark in some way. "He and I—we—Dad I love Lex and he loves me and—" "Wait just a minute!" "No, you wait. Lex's dad used to hurt him when he was younger. He-he- Lionel raped him. All the time." "How exactly did you find this out?" "He was having nightmares so I made him. Look, he'll probably never talk to me again, that's what you wanted, right? So, lets go work on that tractor." "How Clark, I still need to know these things. How did you "make him" tell you?" Clark sighed. "I promised to tell him my deepest secret." "Clark you didn't—" "Look Dad, I'm really sick and tired of you acting like Lex Luthor is some kind of comic book super villain. He's a good guy and he really cares about me." "The same way he cared about all the other people he's been with in his life?" Jonathan could feel his blood pressure rising with every second. His arteries tightening, he knew he needed to calm down. "No. They were using him. Me and Rachel are the only people he ever cared about." "Who is Rachel?" "A girl he went to prep school with. She was the first person to be nice to him with out expecting anything in return. She used to take care of him." "If you really love Lex then go back there and work it out," Martha appeared in the loft. She had come in to check on her husband. "He doesn't want to see me mom." "If he really cares about you the way you say he does, then you need to go see him . . . Now." "Martha—" "Jonathan Kent, if it were anyone except Lionel Luther's son you'd agree with me." "Lex Luthor may be Lionel's son but that's not the only reason I have a problem with this. I—he—Lex is too old for Clark." "There's a bigger age difference between the two of us," Martha said kissing her husband on the cheek. "I just don't trust him." "Well you'll have to learn won't you?" "Fine. Clark you're mother is right—"but he was already gone. "I hate it when he does that."  
  
"Lex I'm sor—"Clark spoke into the black box but was buzzed in before he could finish his sentence. The Kent boy fond his lover sitting on the bathroom floor holding a bottle of bills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. At super speed Clark grabbed the bottle of pills and dumped them in the toilet. He then flushed. Lex looked up at him. "How many did you take?" He asked picking up the phone. "None, I promise. I just thought. Clark I didn't think you'd ever come back." "Lex you could never make me leaves for good. I love you." "I love you too Clark." The two men hugged. "And I'll never let anyone hurt you." "Why did you come back?" "Because I love you. "Clark looked at Lex's unbelieving eyes. "I do Lex." "I know baby, I love you too, but you're right, that's not why you came back." "I talked to my parents—the Kent's—well I, they—I told them everything." "I bet your father was thrilled." Lex laughed sarcastically. "Yeah well you know how he feels, but my mom talked to him and told me to come back to you." "Well at least I have one person on my side, your mom." "Two," Clark said placing a hand on Lex's cheek." "Three," said a woman with dirty blond hair as she entered the room. "Rachel!" Lex shouted happily. "Do you have any idea how hard of a person you are to track down?" Lex shrugged. 'Well, I'm here now and who's this strapping young gentleman?" "That," Lex Blushed, "is Clark Kent. He's my—well-we." Rachel smiled. "I'm glad you found someone. How long have you two been together?" "It—I sort of, it's complicated." "I've got time. Come, sit, and relax, both of you."  
  
"It sounds like you and Lex were really close," Spike snuggled closer to his lover. "He was my soul mate." Saw the look of sorrow on his lover's face. "But that doesn't mean I can't love you too. I do, Spike. I love you." "I love you too Clark, even if you are an Alien." Clark began to laugh. "I think things are going to be okay now." "Good, because it breaks my heart to see you in pain. "Oh I almost forgot! I got you a present, for our house warming!" Clark ran off gleefully and came back carrying a small packaged. Spike ripped it open. Inside was the one warrior angel comic he and Clark had met over. "I knew I'd get it one day," Spike smiled, "I'm just glad I got you too." 


End file.
